How to Deal With Divorce and Be OK

How you deal with divorce depends a lot on the type of person you are, the circumstances that have led to the end of your marriage and your ability to move on. Being OK does not mean the same thing for all people, some need security so the financial side of their divorce may become a focal point, some people do not want to give up time with children and some are so angry they will disagree with every point raised as a form of payback.

To deal with your divorce you must first take a look at yourself and determine what is driving you to behave in the way you are. This is when most people, start to scream ‘it’s not me, it’s him or her’, your spouse has his/her own issues that will drive them in a divorce but we are not talking about helping your spouse deal with the divorce, this is about you.

The Issues You Need To Consider In Your Divorce

Coping with the issues that will arise once a divorce is underway takes a lot of energy both emotional and physical. You have to somehow get your head and often heart around the fact that your ‘happily ever after’ is no more, this is an issue that both spouses must deal with even if it was their decision to leave the marriage. Most people do not walk out of a marriage without first trying all within their power; that may be much or little, to make it acceptable, happy and a place they want to be.

Coping With Emotions

Getting through the emotional process is a matter of muddling through for most people, the assortment of emotions change from moment to moment through all possible feelings. It can be really confronting to not have your emotions under control and be unable to involve yourself as you once did in daily life. There is help offered everywhere but in reality you just need to get through this, allow yourself to grieve your marriage and a life that will no longer happen. Acknowledge that your marriage deserves a grieving period for what you had hoped it would be.

The other turmoil of your emotional journey will be to stop letting your emotions come between you and your anger at your spouse. Blame is a very natural reaction for most of us when things do not turn out as we want them but it does no good and can create more headaches moving into the future. Many people talk of forgiveness and one day that may be something you can consider but more than likely at this time you simply need a strategy to stop blowing up every time you think of your spouse.

Stop thinking of your spouse as your spouse. This is one of the easiest ways to get your emotions under control. Start thinking of this person as someone you need to have meeting with to discuss negotiations, someone you need to work out strategies with, someone you need to see rarely. Begin thinking of your spouse as a colleague you are working with and start treating them that way.

Coping With The Practicalities

Divorce is often full of practicalities, from dividing the crockery to going to court; there are many separate matters that need attention. The only way to make things easier for your self is to be organised.

Do not leave anything to the last minute, if you are asked to fill in forms or get documentation together, start immediately, this will give you a sense of being in control. The more you understand about your circumstances the easier it will be to cope with it. This may sound wrong to many people reading this but the fact is that people tend to fight about the unknown, the issues they are afraid of, not the issues they have worked out and believe they can cope with.

There will be probably a few divorce professionals you will need to deal with and this can be daunting when you have never hired a lawyer before or dealt with a mediator, child specialist or accountant. Remember, these are just people, and you are employing them. Do not be intimidated, be polite, firm, ask questions when needed, and dress appropriately. When you hire a divorce lawyer or other professional be aware of why you have chosen that person, ask questions, explain how you would like events to go and what you think is a reasonable settlement. Then ask if you think this is possible and rational without World War 3. Listen to the answers, take them away, think them through. Do the same with the other divorce professionals you may need.

How to Deal With Divorce and Be OK

Being OK in a divorce is probably as much as you can ask, and more than most people feel most of the time. Look after your emotional side as much as possible, give yourself time to grieve, time to heal and time to move on. Deal with the practical side of divorce one step at a time, do not put off tasks as this will add to your stress not lighten it.

By Samuel B. Anderson, Divorce Mentor and Coach

Editor of Simple Divorce Advice’s Win Your Divorce – The Ultimate Workbook which is available for immediate download, Samuel has given his time and effort to making this the best workbook of it’s kind, covering all areas of the journey through divorce.