Controlled Separation – The Rules and Agreement

Controlled Separation – The Rules and Agreement If you think you want to get a divorce, you first might want to consider a “Controlled Separation.” Let’s talk about the concept of the “Controlled Separation.” It’s counter-intuitive, really. Most couples who are having problems instinctively assume that they need more time together, more closeness, and more physical intimacy. Sometimes they’re right, but sometimes they’re wrong. They often are surprised to learn that what they might need, in fact, is less time together, less closeness, and less physical intimacy.

The Controlled Separation is a valuable tool in the toolkit of the couple’s counselor. In my practice, I use Controlled Separation as a last ditch effort to save the marriage. Typically, when one of the spouses seems steadfastly determined to file divorce papers simply as a way to gain immediate distance, relief, or clarity, I’ll reach into my toolkit and pull out the CS idea.

Sometimes I’ll dangle the CS in front of the divorce-seeking spouse the same way I might jangle the car keys in front of a fussy baby – “Look, over here, something attention-grabbing and distracting, something that might interest you. Forget about what you were focusing on earlier – here’s something you might like!” And you would be amazed by how often it works. It’s magical, at least for awhile, just like the jingle-jangle of those shiny keys.

The real key, though, is the break a CS provides from the constant tension, strain, and focus on everything that’s wrong in the marriage. The Controlled Separation helps the couple press the reset button on their marriage. Here’s a breakdown of how it works and what the couple will

1. Agree to a timeline – Set a start date of the CS and an end date, so that there’s no confusion about how long it will last.

2. Promise not to involve attorneys – there will be no divorce papers filed during the CS.

3. Choose which spouse will leave the home – typically, the spouse with the larger salary leaves home, but you can do this any way you like.

4. Respect the privacy of your own couple-hood – Determine together whom you wish to inform about the CS or about problems in the marriage.

5. Arrange for a reasonable splitting of finances and bills.

6. Settle on a fair sharing of childcare and visitation.

7. Decide whether you will continue an intimate or sexual relationship with each other

8. Decide whether you’re allowed to date other people – this part of the discussion can be tricky and it can get heated.

9. Choose how much time you will spend with each other during the CS – this can be arranged on a calendar, negotiated as a “date-night” plan, or agreed upon as a temporary No Contact Deal.

10. Clarify allowable modes of contact and frequency of contact – this can be as simple as saying, “I will only email you once a week” or “Please don’t text me every hour” or “I agree to call you on your cell phone and leave a message, but I won’t call the landline at the house unless it’s a true emergency.”

The Controlled Separation Agreement helps set rules so that the couple can take time apart without worrying about misunderstandings. The CS can bring clarity in any number of ways –

ü Spouses finally get the chance to live apart and remember what it’s like to be on their

ü Spouses stop fighting so much and finally have time to take stock of their marriage.

ü Spouses are less likely to make rash decisions or rush into a divorce prematurely.

ü Spouses have time to miss each other.

ü Spouses have time to realize that they don’t miss each other.

ü Each spouse has time to develop independently and seek individual counseling, which might ultimately benefit the couple.

Granted, the Controlled Separation isn’t for everyone. The advantage is that the spouse who is rushing toward divorce can be slowed down when they realize there is an alternative which will still offer some distance and relief. The disadvantage is that the spouse who isn’t rushing toward divorce will feel highly anxious and fear that the CS is just another step in the wrong direction. I usually try to explain to the anxious spouse that a temporary split is preferable to a permanent one, because there is still hope for reconciliation and growth, and no papers will be filed. If the Controlled Separation doesn’t result in reconciliation, there is still one upside – by the time the divorce papers are filed, each spouse has already started to adjust to living separately. The process is more gradual, somewhat easier to accept, and often results in a

The good news is this: Couples who are willing to wait for each other often are more successful at repairing their marriages. In my practice, I’ve seen many couples work through the CS process and come out with stronger marriages down the line.

Pamela Milam, MA, LPC
3111 Cole Avenue
Suite 103
Dallas, TX 75204
http://www.dfwcounselor.com/
counselorpamela@hotmail.com