Simple Divorce Advice

Chances are that since your separation, there have been at least a few arguments about which parent should do the driving (or otherwise arrange transportation) for the children between homes or to and from activities. In fact, if there haven’t been any disagreements in this area of parental interaction, you are living the exception.
The basic problem for separated and divorced parents concerning transportation issues often sounds like this: “If you want to see the children, you’ll have to pick them up and drop them off, otherwise it isn’t happening.” Well, I don’t know how you react when you’re on the receiving end of such directives, but many parents feel a kind of knee-jerk, “kiss my ass” response rise to the surface. Of course, verbalizing such a response doesn’t do much for positive parental interaction.
The transportation issues and the messages they send are critical, especially when dealing with children of tender years. In a typical arrangement where dad is picking up the children from mom’s residence, there are many problematic scenarios. Let’s assume that mom does not welcome dad into the house and is otherwise not thrilled at his presence. He likely waits on the porch. Regardless, he may feel like he gets less respect than a door-to-door salesman.

Since the children are often not ready when dad arrives (whether by chance or by design), it creates tension. Dad may be banging at the door, angry that he has to wait at all. He may be perturbed over the fact that he had to drive in the first place. The children may be conveniently smack dab in the middle of video games and aggravated at the “interruption.”

Of course, if dad is late, there is a similar but different mounting tension inside the house. And, if dad shows up early, there are still issues. Mom may outwardly and openly, or even unwittingly, show her agitation. Regardless of exactly what sparks it, there is ample opportunity for unnecessary dialogue to take place in front of the children. You may think that children don’t pay attention to what’s going on, but you know you’re fooling yourself, right?

Another uncomfortable situation for the children is the “hello and good-bye” part of the front porch scenario. When the children know that mom and dad do not like each other, they are in a lose-lose situation. At this inopportune time parents may try to capture the attention of the children or otherwise jockey for affection. These face-to-face transition times are a perfect opportunity to “show off,” and the parent with “home court advantage” will likely “win.” Everyone else, including the departing children, will lose.

This loyalty turmoil is a disaster for the children. When parents deliberately try to use the affections of their children in front of the other parent, whether to feel important or special in their own right, or to make that point to the parent on the porch, it is cruel and not truly affectionate at all. Children see right through it, even the very young.

If the face-to-face front porch pick-up went badly, it is usually followed by an unpleasant and uncomfortable car ride, especially for the young passengers. It does not have to be that way. A simple solution like sharing transportation in a certain manner can prevent most of the problems and transform the transition into a healthy experience for the children.

To not share the transportation that enables your children to spend time with both parents is actually unfair. While it is not often thought about, transportation at transition times sends messages that affect the way children view each parent.

Borrowed from the widely acclaimed and award winning book, Stop Fighting over the Kids: Resolving Day-to-Day Custody Conflict in Divorce Situations, with permission of the author, Mike Mastracci See what the experts have to say about Stop Fighting Over the Kids www.stopfightingoverthekids.com and visit Mike’s Family Law Blog: www.DivorceWithoutDishonor.com

Source: Transportation Issues In Divorce

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