Simple Divorce Advice

Establishing positive visits with your kids is an essential part of helping them to adjust to the changes of a two home family. Having positive visits is especially important to the non-primary parent for continuing the connection and relationship but is also important in ensuring that children feel reassured and responded to in the busy lives of those parents who have the primary responsibility of caretaking. Here are some suggestions that can help you and your children connect:

1. Make Transitions positive and friendly. Treat the other parent with respect for the brief time you interact. Parents should be free to come to the door and be greeted pleasantly as would any other visitor. Hugs and kisses and brief reassurance that children will have a good time should be offered by the parent dropping off. Resist discussing issues or problems that may interfere with your task of bridging the two homes. Transitions are a stressful time for children and they are acutely sensitive to any tension between you and the other parent. Despite any conflict you should challenge yourself to do this simple transition with dignity and respect.
2. Be prepared to be emotionally engaged and present. If you have less time with your children ensure you take care of other responsibilities as much as possible before the visit so you can be relaxed and open to opportunities to connect. If you are the primary parent, build in regular kid time that is free from other responsibilities. Creating special kid time helps children cope better for the times you aren’t free to spend with them exclusively.
3. If children miss the other parent listen, acknowledge and comfort but don’t allow child to manipulate boundaries or refuse visitation. Let them know its normal to miss the other parent and remind them when they will next be with them. Offer telephone contact freely, but keep it short and simple. The other parent should encourage them to enjoy the time during the visit and reassure their child they are doing well.
4. Allow for quiet time to find each other again. Resist the urge to over schedule with activities. Children are reassured with routine daily life activities.
5. Expect that children may need time to readjust.  Parents should manage their own feelings of rejection if children aren’t immediately responding to their overtures of connection.
6. Join kids in their activities. Let them lead or choose an activity and participate with enthusiasm.
7. If you have more than one child, find special time for each child during visits. During the activity find time to say something specific about a recent achievement of theirs that you admire or something special about your child that is meaningful to you. Children need to know that despite the difficulties you are still paying attention to how they are growing and changing.
8. Establish family traditions. Plan activities that your children can anticipate with pleasure such as family game or movie night or visits with relatives and friends.
9. Establish consistent daily schedule and follow through with established rules and discipline. Children are comforted knowing that some important things stay the same and that despite the changes you are still committed and effective in your role as a parent.

  Kristin Little, MA, MS, LMHC
www.kristinlittlecounseling.com
kristinlittlecounseling@gmail.com

View original: Tips for Creating Positive Time with Your Kids during Divorce

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