Telephone Contact With Children During Divorce

Telephone Contact With Children During Divorce The inability to have meaningful telephone contact with their children can be a significant source of frustration and stress for separated and divorced parents. In fact, trouble with telephone contact occurs surprisingly often. Some of the common complaints sound like this:

No one returns my calls.
The other parent hovers over our child during telephone conversations with me.
They have caller ID and the children are not allowed to pick up the phone if they see my number.
When I am able to get through, I am told that they are “busy” or they will have to call me back, and they never do.
I leave messages for my child but she tells me that they are never given to her
My child is very quiet and “non-conversational” when her dad is in the room.
My children and I have no privacy during phone calls.
The court order says that I am supposed to have reasonable, liberal, and regular phone contact, and I am not getting it.
When I call to speak to my children, my ex always gets on the line and starts an argument.
I feel like I have to go through gatekeepers just to be able to speak to my children.
I should be allowed to talk to my children at least once a day.
I can always hear my ex in the background, bad-mouthing me and interrupting my phone call.
My ex is doing this just to annoy me.

In many cases, the real issue is not about one’s inability to speak with the children or the loss to the children of such brief telephone conversations, but something much more complex. This something must be put into proper perspective in order to avoid a constant and nagging reminder of the unnecessary parental conflict that can linger on and adversely affect each parent’s relationship with their children. In attempting to deal with these types of issues, it is helpful to ask a key question of yourself before choosing what course of action to take: Is the issue really about the benefit of telephone contact or is it a test of wills between me and my ex? This is a key question, and it can be asked of any dispute. When you find yourself continually fighting about the same thing, ask yourself whether you’re really fighting for the benefit of the children or whether you’re trying to exercise power or control over the other parent.

Here are a few key reminders and suggestions.

Generally speaking, children do not have a lot to say when they are on the telephone with adults no matter where they live or who they are with.
When you do speak to your children by phone, keep the conversation short and sweet.
Do not ask your child to relay any message to the other parent. If you are intending to speak to the other parent, you should not do so in the same telephone conversation. Make a separate telephone call or appointment to discuss parental issues when the children are not within earshot.
Do not put the responsibility on the children to call you. Period. Let them be children.
In some cases it may be appropriate to purchase a cell phone for your children. There are special phones that allow only for pre-programmed incoming and outgoing phone calls, which the parents can set. Perhaps a separate house line would be a worthwhile option to consider.
Explore other means of communication, such as e-mail, text messaging, video cam, and so forth. Family blogs or websites may also help promote parent-child communication and interaction.
Do not do unto the other parent as that parent does to you. By this benevolent ideal, I mean that even if your efforts are intentionally frustrated by the other parent when you try to speak to your children by telephone, do not respond in kind.

When your children are with you, you should arrange for them to call the other parent at reasonable intervals. Be considerate; leave the room and give them privacy. And, do not inquire about their conversation. Teach your children that you are not attempting to frustrate communication with their other parent and that you will not interrogate them on such matters.

If your telephone efforts are being thwarted, you need to let it go, or at least put it into perspective and realize that the children will be okay if they do not hear from you for a few days and vice versa. Telephone contact issues are generally blown out of proportion.

The best way to combat telephone communication issues is for both parents to recognize that telephone contact is generally a good thing if it is conducted in a proper fashion.

Borrowed from the widely acclaimed and award winning book, Stop Fighting over the Kids: Resolving Day-to-Day Custody Conflict in Divorce Situations, with permission of the author, Mike Mastracci See what the experts have to say about Stop Fighting Over the Kids www.stopfightingoverthekids.com and visit Mike’s Family Law Blog: www.DivorceWithoutDishonor.com