Simple Divorce Advice

The mother sat on the side of the bed of her 6 year-old son to let him know that she and the boy’s father were about to get divorced.  As she described what divorce meant to the family, the mother told her son, “I decided to divorce your father when you told me ‘I want to be just like daddy.’”  That 6 year-old is now a grown man and still suffering from the irrational, but nonetheless persistent, guilt of “causing” his parents’ divorce.

What parents say to their children during the process of divorce can have lasting psychological impact on the long-term mental health of the youngsters as they grow into adulthood.  Research has shown that children of divorced parents have about two times the risk of acquiring mental health problems sometime in life compared to those from families that remain intact.  That’s a 100% increase in risk but includes high-conflict and other kinds of “nasty” divorces and abusive homes leading to divorce.  Thus, it is very important for divorcing couples to say and do those things that will minimize the psychological harm to the kids.

There are several principles that may guide a parent’s communications with children in the process of separating and divorcing, which are:

• Discuss and reach agreement on when and how to talk with a child, preferably together;
• Give a child some time to absorb and adapt to the bad news of separating and/or divorcing, if possible, before actions are taken;
• Assure the child that he or she bears no blame, fault or responsibility – it’s the parents’ issue;
• Avoid any suggestion that either parent is the “bad guy” or to blame for what’s happening;
• When truthful, convey that both parents still love the child and will continue to be in the child’s life.

By the time a couple is deciding to divorce, children in the home probably already sense that something is awry in the parents’ relationship. If there has been parental arguing within earshot of the children, they may be feeling fearful from a diminished sense of security and safety.  They may not verbalize their concerns; so it is important to communicate, when the timing is right, that the marital relationship is about to change.  Unless there is a concern about safety, both parents should explain to children what is about to happen in the family.  Parents should strategize when and how to best inform the children about the looming separation and/or divorce.  If possible, it is best to inform the children before separation or other ostensible actions occur, so they may get use to the idea of the upcoming changes in the family structure.  It is important to assure children that they will continue to spend time with and are loved by each parent, when, in fact, that is the case.

The discussion with children about “why” the marriage is dissolving can be especially challenging.  This conversation will be different depending on the age and maturity of the child, and when multiple children are very different in age, the conversation should be held with each child individually.  Regardless of age, a critical principle is to not place (or even insinuate) any blame or responsibility on the child for what is occurring in the marriage.  While marital partners often see the other partner as primarily responsible for the breakdown of the marriage, “bad-mouthing” one’s spouse (or ex-spouse) in front of the children puts them in a bind of “taking sides” and damaging their relationship with one or the other parent.

Divorce is often a very difficult time for the marital partners, but it can be made more or less difficult for children, depending on the parents’ actions.  Because divorce may have long-term psychological effects on children, it is very important that divorcing parents consider carefully how they communicate with and behave around the children during and after this difficult process.  When done well, children of divorced parents will often adjust to the custody arrangements and other changes in their family life to mature into emotionally healthy and successful adults.

Dr. Graves is a licensed psychologist (PSY18196) in California with a private practice in Pasadena.  To find out more about his practice, click on www.DrJimGraves.com.  He can be reached at j.graves@sbcglobal.net of 626-844-0212.

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