Simple Divorce Advice

When things are ugly (and sometimes even when they’re not), one of the most difficult times for separated or divorced parents is when the children are going from one parent to the other and both parents are present at the “exchange.”

Generally, this time frame is referred to as “transition time.” Even in the best of circumstances it is a stressful time for the children. Nothing gives children the feeling that they are caught in the middle quite like the transition.

Often, transition time is a sad reminder for the children that they are frequently placed in “no-win” situations. Even the youngest of children easily picks up on the tension. When there are arguments, threats, insults, stonewalling tactics, or silent treatments and general rudeness, what are the children thinking and absorbing?

Surprisingly, some parents are oblivious to what is going on.

Transition Do’s

• Be cordial. The best way to handle bad situations related to the exchange of the children is simply to be cordial. Say hello and good-bye. If you’re dropping off the children, say, “Have fun” or “See you later.” Show your children that it is simply right to be polite.
• Always be on time.
• Get your hugs and kisses prior to the exchange.
• Be mindful of your body language and demeanor.
• If it’s Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, or some meaningful holiday, help the children pick out an appropriate gift or card to take to the other parent.
• Do your best not to show that you are uncomfortable in the presence of the other parent.
• Minimize the amount of stuff (toys, clothes, books, and so forth) that goes from house to house.
• Break the cycle of negative communication and dysfunction.
• Demonstrate that you are the superior parent at all times and in all situations.

Transition Don’ts

• Don’t “discuss” anything, especially early on in the process. Other than immediate health concerns, like, “You might want to have a doctor look at that gash in Timmy’s head and here is a towel to stop the bleeding until you get him to the hospital,” nothing else needs to be discussed then and there, at transition time. Nothing.
• In case that wasn’t clear, let me repeat myself. Don’t discuss anything. Do not even think about having a discussion about money or child support at transition time. Do not make criticisms, suggestions, sarcastic comments (one of my personal favorites), ultimatums, or requests for anything, such as additional time with the children or changes in plans or scheduling. All of this will probably end in an argument or dirty looks or some other counterproductive exchange if there is any parental tension looming about.
• Do not dwell on good-byes with the children. They will be just fine.
• Do not tell your children to relay messages or information.
• Do not give dirty looks or roll your eyes.
• Do not say or do anything that would likely make the other parent uncomfortable — avoid hot buttons!
• Do not bring your new girlfriend or boyfriend — they have no business being involved in the exchange.
• Do not pawn off the responsibility for transition.
• Show your children that you are either excited about their return or care enough to be there to say, “See you later.”
• Do not allow yourself to get drawn in to non-productive interaction.

Borrowed from the widely acclaimed and award winning book, Stop Fighting over the Kids: Resolving Day-to-Day Custody Conflict in Divorce Situations, with permission of the author, Mike Mastracci  See what the experts have to say about Stop Fighting Over the Kids  www.stopfightingoverthekids.com  and visit Mike’s Family Law Blog:  www.DivorceWithoutDishonor.com

Read the original: Making Transition Times In Divorce Bearable

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