5 Messages Kids Need To Prepare Them For Your Divorce

By Dr. Leona Kashersky

One of the most difficult conversations any parent will ever have is telling their children about their pending divorce. As a psychologist working with children and families for over 14 years, I have seen many families try to navigate through this transition, sometimes very gracefully and sometimes with great crisis, threat, and turmoil. The way parents cope with and frame a divorce for their children makes a tremendous difference in how kids will cope with and internalize the meaning of significant relationships and attachments for the rest of their lives. I know what you’re thinking, “WOW, really…the rest of their lives”?? Yes, the REST of their lives. Sorry to break it to you mom and dad.

Everyone knows that being a parent is not for wimps! Deciding to divorce is a time when parents really need to put on their ‘big boy’ and ‘big girl pants’ in order to be there for their kids. Divorce is traumatic and life changing for the whole family, but there are ways to minimize the negative impact of this change if you stay conscious of your choices.

At a time when you will be fighting and facing overwhelming emotions like deep gut- wrenching fear, continuous anxiety, incredible guilt, and oppressive shame, you will need all the support you can get from other adults in your life. Sometimes professional help is needed to keep some level of balance in the family while everyone struggles through these changes.

It’s important to keep in mind that children love and feel loyal to both of their parents. It can be tremendously difficult to protect your children from the pressure and strain of being caught in the middle of mom and dad’s conflicts. Research teaches us that parents can be extremely bias in their ability to judge how their children are really perceiving family conflict and fighting. Parents tend to believe that their children are coping much better with divorce than they actually are. Parents underestimate the pain and trauma that their children experience, suggesting that parents may have this bias to mitigate feelings of guilt. The moral of the story…listen to your kids and hear what they think and feel, not just what you want them to think and feel!!

Many parents struggle for weeks in advance about how to break the news to the kids. When should I tell him? How should I tell him? Should we tell him together? And most frightening of all, WHAT SHOULD WE SAY?

How do you explain to a child that the life he has known, the comfort he has felt in his family setting, is about to be disrupted – changed – forever?

How do you explain to a child that none of this is his fault?

How do you reassure him that life will go on, that he will be safe, cared for and loved, even after his parents divorce?

And, even more intimidating, how do you prepare him for all the unknowns looming ahead when you’re not sure yourself how it will all turn out?

You’ll need a plan to convey what he needs to hear at level of understanding that he can grasp. And please, protect your kids from some of the dirty details of your divorce. For example, your kids don’t need to know about your sex life. That can be left as a private matter between mom and dad.

Depending on the age of your child stories can be helpful in helping them understand divorce. Thankfully, there are many storybooks on the market to help parents talk to their children. A storybook can put what you need to say into words and pictures.

How mommy and daddy met, married and started a family. Explaining how there were problems you encountered that could not readily be ‘fixed’, and mom and dad’s decision to ultimately get a divorced.

A great resource for parents is a workbook called, ‘The Divorce Workbook for Children’ by Lisa M. Schab. It offers fun activities parents can share with their children to begin uncomfortable dialogue and explain this difficult family transition. It offers practical advice on how to teach kids to communicate their needs, stay out of the middle of their parent’s problems, and to cope better with stress and change. Rosalind Sedacca created a workbook that allows parents to fill-in-the-blanks of their family and divorce story to share with their children using a template. The ebook’s interactive format allows parents to customize the story to fit their family dynamics. It also focuses the five key messages that are essential for every child to hear, understand and absorb. By sharing and repeating these five points to your children in the weeks and months following the initial conversation, you will enable them to better handle, accept and even embrace the challenges and changes they will soon be facing. The 5 messages kids need to hear to prepare for their parents’ divorce are:

It’s not your fault.

Mom and dad will always be your parents.

This is about change, not blame.

We will all get through this okay.

Mom and dad will always love you.

The following statements are some specific examples of how you can talk to your child or children about these 5 important messages. It’s also important to remember that actions speak much louder than words. Parents must practice what they preach. If your actions contradict these messages, your child won’t hear, understand, or absorb these messages as truth.

This is not your fault.

Mom and Dad have been having problems. We don’t agree about some important things that create conflict. Even when some of the issues are about you, that does not mean you are to blame. You are an innocent child who we both love and cherish. When Mom and Dad disagree about your bedtime, where to go on vacation, how to help you with your homework or whether you should play soccer, we’re not fighting about YOU. We are disagreeing with each other about issues that concern you and our family. But you are not in any way at fault.

Mom and Dad will always be your parents.

No matter what changes occur over the weeks, months and years ahead, one thing is for certain. Mom and Dad will still always be your parents. No one else will ever be your real Mom. No one else will ever be your real Dad. We will both always love you and be there for you, no matter where we live or how things should change.

This is about change, not about blame.

Divorce is a scary word. But all it really means is that our family will be experiencing some changes. Change is okay. Everything in life keeps changing. You grow bigger, taller, stronger and smarter every year. The seasons change every year. You change grades and schools as you grow older. Change means things will be different in some ways. It doesn’t mean things will be bad. Change can be fun, exciting and new.

Sometimes it takes a while to get used to changes, like beginning a new grade with a new teacher. Other times change gives us a chance to do things in a new and better way, like trying a new sport or a hobby you grow to love.

The change in our family is not about who’s right or wrong or who’s good or bad. Mom and Dad both tried their best to resolve our problems. The old way didn’t work for us and now we will be trying a new way for our family to live so there’s more peace, calmness and happiness for us all. Instead of worrying about who’s to blame, let’s think about how we can see the changes ahead as a new adventure — a brand new chapter in our lives. Who knows what lies ahead?

We will all get through this okay.

We’re often frightened when we begin new things and face new challenges. Like the first time you learned to ride a bicycle, the first day of school or day camp, your first trip to the dentist. Things always have a way of working out, even when we’re scared that they won’t. Divorce will be the same way. Things will be new and different for a while. We’ll have new ways of doing some things … some new responsibilities … some differences in our schedules. But life will go on. We will get used to the differences.

Some of them we may even prefer. And after a while, we’ll look back and say, life is different than it used to be, but it’s all okay. I’m okay, our family is okay and, most important of all, we still love each other. That is a lot better than okay. It’s great!

Mom and Dad will always love you.

No matter what happens, no matter what changes occur, one thing is for certain. Mom and Dad will always love you. That will never change. Regardless of where we live, what we do and how old you get. You can count on that. And don’t ever forget it.

These core messages are the foundation your children will depend on when they are feeling frightened, sad or insecure. Repeat them often in your own words and your own style. You’ll be rewarded in countless ways as you and your children encounter and overcome the challenges of life after divorce.

References

Gardner, Richard (2004). “Commentary on Kelly and Johnston’s The Alienated Child: A Reformulation of Parental Alienation Syndrome” (pdf). Family Court Review 42 (4): 611–21. doi:10.1177/ 1531244504268711

Hoult, JA (2006). “The Evidentiary Admissibility of Parental Alienation Syndrome: Science, Law, and Policy”. Children’s Legal Rights Journal 26 (1)

Wallerstein, JS, Blakeslee, S. (1989). “Second Chances: Men, Women, and Children a Decade After Divorce”. Ticknor & Fields; u.s. edition. ISBN 978-0899196480

Wallerstein, JS. (1998). “The Burgess Decesion and the Wllerstein Brief”. Journal of the American Academy of Psychiatry and the Law, 26(3): 425-431. http://www.fact.on.ca/Info/pas/gard98a.htm