Divorce -Ways to Lighten the Burden for Children

Divorce; what an interesting word! What does it mean to you? Well in the dictionary, words that are similar are: separation, split-up, break-up; disconnect and dissociate. Interesting words and extremely powerful. Let’s just take one of those words, “dissociate” which means “detach”. How do you think this affects children? Better yet, your children when you are going through the process of divorce or even have “problems” in your marriage.

Sometimes we as adults forget about our surroundings when our world seems to be falling apart. It becomes all about us; and why not. We are the supporters, we do all the work, everyone takes from us and we are always giving. Does that sound familiar? There’s no bad or good here. It’s just something to become aware of. When people have issues they can become “consumed” in their situation and forget how it may be affecting others. It’s human. Remember, you are important and so are your children.

Children listen, see, remember and copy. That means, children hear your tones, see your anger, feel your pain and may repeat some of the behavior learned. These are just some things to think about as you model your parenthood. I usually tell people to get therapy at the first signs of issues. That means when you have your “first fight.” I am not talking about a discussion but a fight, an argument. This is a great time to see a third party to help the two of you learn how to “discuss” instead of “fight”. Remember, people want to “make love not war”, or at least that is what they used to say in my days, many years back.

People tend to see a therapist when they believe there is a problem. When that happens in a marriage, it usually is when there is “too much water” under their bridge. The water overflows and floods, destroying the bridge and therefore the couple loose its connection and become “detached.” Detached equals Divorce which equals it’s too late. In the meantime, the children have been listening, seeing, remembering and copying everything that has been going on.

Divorce is not easy on anyone, especially children. There are some ways parents can lighten the burden of this transitional time by realizing that children are human too. You probably are laughing, however, think about it. How many parents use a child as a “pawn” in a divorce? “You’re not going to get them if you don’t pay” or “I am going to leave the country with the children if you don’t……” Some children even get punished when the husband or wife does something. Yes, we are only human.

Here are some tips for divorcing parents on how to help your child cope. It is important to remember that your child is made up of %50 of you and %50 of your spouse. Every time you criticize “their parent” or don’t let them see “their parent” you are affecting their self-esteem. There are exception and ways to compromise. It is important to be open for your child.

Remember you are the parent, the caretaker and your child isn’t. You have grownups to support you. That means, don’t “confide” in your child. They are not your confidant. They are your children. Someone who is not to be blamed for this mishap only to be loved and shown they are not at fault. This is when they need stability. Staying in the same area if you can will help give them a feeling of permanence.

Depending on the age of the child, sometimes it’s easier to have the child be the messenger. Keep in mind, even teenagers are still children and need to believe they are not part of your battle. The best thing to do, is for you to continue to do your own communication, via email or phone.

Bear in mind that children are human too and as parents it is your job to help buffer them from the trauma of divorce. You are their protector and they look up to you as their role model. So model them something that they can grow into.

Jill Robin Payne MA, BCPC, LPC

Certified Relationship Specialist

http://www.Positive-Solutions.us