Co-parenting effectively after separation/divorce

Are you struggling with the residential schedule? Do you feel that you deserve more time with your children than the other parent? Are you angry and hurt by your separation and/or divorce and have children? Would you like to have your children at least half the time?

If you answered yes to the above questions, please read on.

Children are innocent during the separation and/or divorce of their parents. Children love both parents equally and want their parents to get along. Of course, children “wish and hope” their parents will reconcile and they can be a family again. However, this is highly unusual once parents have decided to end their relationship. The next best option is to realize what is in the best interest of the child(ren). Not only are parents grieving and making changes in their lives during this difficult, life changing experience. Children are also adjusting to the changes as well and need a consistent schedule so they can feel grounded and know what to expect.

Children may grieve in a similar and different ways than parents. They feel the divorce and/or separation may be their fault, they may have been able to prevent the separation. Children miss their parents being together and miss the “family” part. Even when parent’s fight, and the marriage/relationship end ugly; children still hope for a family. Children are a byproduct of both parents, and parents lose sight of the love they once shared when producing their child(ren). Sometimes parents get lost in their own emotions, and forget their child(ren) are suffering as well. Some signs for parents to look for when children are having a difficult time during the divorce/separation:

 Children that are normally outgoing begin to withdraw from family and friends
 Clingy and needy
 Difficulty sleeping, or not sleeping well
 Eating for comfort or not eating enough food
 Acts mad toward the parent that “left” or moved out
 Acting out – could be at school, daycare, and home
 Children hoard items or food
 Children lie for the other parent
 Children complain of somatic issues (stomach ache, headache, etc.)
 Depressed and/or anxious

These are some tell tale signs that your child(ren) may be experiencing a difficult time during this transition. Each child is different and may act in different ways; it is vital for parents to monitor their child(rens) behavior and get help if their attitude changes in anyway that impacts them negatively.

Co-parenting effectively is very important for your child(ren). Children know when parents do not get along and may experience more behavioral and somatic complaints. Parents do not have to be “friends” or “hang out,” they simply must be able to communicate with each other regarding the child(ren), respect what each parent says, and think what is in the best interest of their child(ren). Some good co-parenting techniques to practice include the following:
 Communicate regularly regarding the child(ren), their schoolwork, sports, behaviors, and any issues going on. If this child(ren) is a toddler or baby, give recent updates about the child(rens) progress and any concerns.
 Prior to residential change, update the other parent about what has been going on with the child(ren).
 Respect each other’s point of view and what the parent’s concern(s) may be. If you “must” disagree, let the other parent that you have heard them and what you disagree about. Acknowledge their concern, and state your point of view. Try to work through the disagreement in a respectful way and the best way to handle this is to “listen” to both points of views before making a decision.
 Keep the child(ren) out of the fire, and do not discuss ANY issues with their children about the other parent, residential process, etc.
 DO NOT USE disparaging remarks about the other parent
 If you have a problem with the other parents lifestyle or choices, address the other parent directly…not the child(ren).
 Try to follow similar routines at both homes, and follow any consequences that occurred from one home to the other. Try to have children on similar sleep patterns, eating habits, and bathing schedules. Keeping consistent routines is very important for child(ren) during and after the separation/divorce. It is normal to have your own routine as well. Children adapt well, and will adapt to their “new normal” life.

Overall, it is imperative for parents to co parent during and after a divorce/separation. Too many parents get wrapped up in their own emotions and believe they are doing what is “best” for their child. However, emotions drive behaviors and sometimes parents are not thinking clearly. As parents struggle through the separation/divorce, just remember your child(ren) are also having a difficult time as well. Remember to communicate and respect the other parent regardless the reason of the divorce/separation. Your child(ren) need both of you and love both of you.

Rochelle Long, MA, LMHC
Rochelle@longcounseling.com
www.longcounseling.com
425-374-8273