How to Discuss Money Without a Fight and Eventual Divorce

How to Discuss Money Without a Fight and Eventual Divorce It’s 3:00 a.m. and Natalie and Jim are awake and angry. Jim is sitting up in bed. “We’re going to have separate checking accounts!” She whispers fiercely, “I don’t understand why you are so upset. I told you that we saved over a thousand dollars!” His voice becomes louder. “What do you mean save? You just emptied our checking account and I have to pay the mortgage! You always do this. You’re just like your mother!” She glared at him and hissed, “I suppose we should be more like your father. His idea of hosting the groom’s dinner was buying a whole case of beer.” She paused briefly before spitting it out. “You’re pathetic.” He sighed deeply. It was useless. Without a word he went downstairs to sleep on the couch just as he had last week.

Money is one of the most difficult conversations a married couple can have. Natalie and Jim love each other. Yet they heard themselves saying things they knew they’d regret later. Instead of problem solving, they were escalating their conflict. Why does it happen? How can we stop repeating such a pattern and work on financial issues?

Interestingly, the process of escalation takes a fairly predictable path. If we recognize it when it is happening, we can interrupt the pattern and begin problem solving. As people become more frustrated and angry, certain physiological changes take place without our being consciously aware of them. Our heart rate increases (even pounding), our breath becomes quick and shallow. Our volume and rate of speech increases. Brows become furrowed and lips pursed. Muscles tense. Blood flow to muscles increases and to other areas is constricted. Some people become flushed and blotchy. We stop listening and are quicker to interrupt.

Our subconscious, which controls our autonomous system, often recognizes and responds to our anger before we are consciously aware of it. For example, have you ever seen an argument where one person said, “I don’t see why you’re so angry” only to hear a thunderous bellow, “I’M NOT ANGRY!” The conscious mind is not even aware of the intense emotion to which the sympathetic nervous system has already loudly responded. Some people describe escalation as a feeling of being “taken over like a tidal wave.” But we are not as helpless as we feel. It takes a significant amount of cooperation to have an argument. We can choose not to.

The first step to reduce escalation is to consciously recognize our own physiological signs – the pounding heart, shallow breath, the quicker speech and louder voice. Only then can we interrupt the pattern. Often your spouse will recognize it sooner. This is where couples can choose to help each other. When you are calm, ask each other “What do you want me to say to you when I notice that you are getting angry?” We often respond better when we recognize our own words. Any short calming phrase you choose will do. (Can we slow down? It seems like you’re getting upset. Let’s take a break. Remember we agreed to problem solve. Another example is “You told me to tell you when you’re getting angry and to take a breath.”)

That is the opportunity. Once we’re aware, how do we interrupt the reaction? Don’t immediately respond. Break off. Stop. Take three deep, down-to-your-toes breaths. If that doesn’t work, explain that you’re too angry to communicate well and you need to take a break. If you have to physically leave, then (as in the Nike ad) “just do it.” Make sure it is at least 20 minutes. Timing is also critical. Look at the situation. Are you exhausted or drinking? Then 20 minutes is not going to help. It is almost impossible to have a thoughtful discussion in either of those situations. Pick another time to talk.

If Jim tells Natalie that he wants to take a break but she ignores him, not only will they have another useless argument, she will have additionally betrayed his trust by failing to work with him as she promised. If one partner promises to problem solve but repeatedly ignores the signals, you might need professional help. That is absolutely the case where the escalation leads to violence.

What happens if we continue to escalate? The focus of the financial problem will be lost as the couple begins to bring up other issues, generalize (“You always do this”) and attack each other. Increased escalation can even include other people as Natalie and Jim discuss their financial problems and frustrations with friends and families just as Jim attacked her mother and she attacked his father. Negative extended family involvement only adds to the problem. In severe cases, “Tribal Warfare” is often a significant factor in marital conflict.

On the other hand, if Natalie slows down, lowers her voice and takes a needed break, they can begin problem solving and just as important, build trust between them. Assuming that Natalie and Jim start recognizing and responding to each others’ signals how do we work on the financial issues?

One of the biggest mistakes we make is to begin with the solution. Jim said, “We’re going to have separate checking accounts!” Natalie felt defensive and angry. The first step in discussing a financial concern or problem in a calm and nonjudgmental way (even when you believe the other is at fault.) Jim could have asked Natalie for her cooperation in helping him solve the problem. “Natalie, can we talk? I feeling so overwhelmed. I am supposed to pay the mortgage tomorrow and there is no money in the checkbook. What should we do and how can we avoid this from happening in the future? Does if feel artificial? Yes. Does it work? Absolutely.

Starting with the problem does more than just engender cooperation. Natalie might just have an even better solution. What if she had just accepted Jim’s solution and created individual checking accounts? Two checkbooks do not double a couple’s cash flow. It might solve Jim’s embarrassment by forcing Natalie to call the bank on her overdrafts but if they continuously overspending without changing their pattern, they will continue to increase consumer debt and eventually even lose their home. In addition, it is often harder to budget for the family with two separate accounts.

Perhaps you find yourself saying, “That sounds great but my spouse wouldn’t care about my needs regardless of how I ask.” First, check out that assumption by trying. Second, if that assumption is true, then ask yourself if this is exactly the relationship that you want to continue. Let them know in a nonjudgmental and compassionate way that you need to make some long term changes and suggest counseling. Continuing escalating arguments will never solve those problems but only makes them worse. Children who are repeatedly exposed to significant marital conflict have more problems with truancy, delinquency, pregnancy and drug use.

As part of problem solving, both people have to agree to really listen to the other without interrupting. Both could also agree to write down the benefits and negatives of each possible solution without attacking the other party. As we increase out ability to solve problems, we will feel more in control of our lives, less afraid of addressing conflict and just as important, we will teach our children how to solve problems in a healthy way. Perhaps that is the best outcome of all.