Prioritize
The key to being a successful parent and work leader at the same time is having a clear view of your priorities. Your children should be at the top of the list. In times when both roles are competing for your attention, you should be able to make a good decision about which is in more dire need of your attention. Sometimes work can wait. Other times, and maybe less often, your kids can. But try to separate your priorities as much as possible. Designate certain family times where work won’t interfere, such as your days off. And when it’s time for you to work, step back and fully entrust the care of your children to whoever is watching them while you’re at your job.  

De-Stress
While it may seem impossible, it’s incredibly important to have some regular “me” time where you can relax and de-stress. Allow yourself a guilty pleasure once in a while, like a long bubble bath or favorite takeout. Spend some time completely alone to recharge your batteries and do something that you personally enjoy, like a hobby or interest other than your kids and your job. Don’t feel guilty about this time. It’s incredibly important for your personal sanity and ability to cope and balance. When you de-stress and focus on yourself, you’re maximizing your potential to be a great parent and work leader.

Learn
Being successful at both parenting and leading at work is a full-time commitment. You have to always be open to learning new skills and improving. Keep yourself open to new possibilities, changes in routine, and new learning opportunities. If you think of yourself as a work in progress, you’ll be able to continually shine at both jobs. When you make a mistake, don’t be afraid to admit it. You’re bound to make lots of them over time, but don’t be ashamed. Just use every mistake as a chance to do better next time. When you see other people who admire, people who seem to emulate the type of success you want, try to find ways to learn from them and ask them what habits help them the most.

Simplify
Attempt to simplify every area of your life, including your daily routines and organization. If you can implement some easier, simpler strategies for dealing with life, you’ll shine even more in your roles. Simplifying will save you time and lower your stress level, which are both essential to success in your home and work lives. Take an honest look at your home and work, and ask yourself, “How can I make this simpler?” Making some changes that will result in more effective and efficient performance, and you’ll shine even brighter in both areas of your life.

Terry Ford is a busy mom and writer. After checking her work with a grammar checker, she likes to take a break from work on a Bahamas vacation.

The effort and energy that some people spend attempting to avoid or lessen their child support responsibilities is astonishing. Those who are really serious about not contributing to the custodial parent’s financial resources often choose to live in their parents’ basement, shack up with roommates, or live in tents before they will pay what they are supposed to pay in child support. This shirking of parental responsibility is often not out of a lack of love for the children, but it is directly attributable to the hatred or ill will still harbored toward the other parent.

Regardless of the actual dollar amount mandated by child support “guidelines,” there are some basic dos and don’ts that can be helpful in easing the financial tensions that so often spill over into custody and visitation disputes.

Child Support Dos
• Financially support your children.
• Keep financial matters and all other parenting issues as separate as possible.
• Be realistic in your assessment of how much it costs to raise children.
• Accept the fact that if you are the one paying child support, the law does not impose any duty upon the recipient to account for the money actually spent directly on the children.
• Purchase items for the children (including clothing) for the times that your children are with you. Child support payments are not necessarily intended to cover child-related expenses when the children are with you.
• Spend child support wisely, as it is intended for the use, benefit, and expenses associated with raising children, not as your extra “fun” money.

Child Support Don’ts

• Don’t make the payment of support, or anything else related to money or property, contingent on child access.
• Don’t ask for receipts or an accounting of how child support is spent.
• Don’t discuss child support or adult-to-adult financial matters with your children.
• Don’t tell your children that they cannot do or have things because the other parent does not pay sufficient support, even if it is true.
• Don’t discuss child support or disputed adult financial matters in front of your children.

Count the Cost
Sadly, parents will often spend several months or even years worth of child support money, which could otherwise be spent directly for the benefit of their children, just fighting over who should have to pay what amount in child support and child-related expenses (reimbursement for medical bills not covered by insurance, school clothes and supplies, and expenses for extracurricular activities for the children). It makes no sense, especially if these types of disputes are handled through lawyers. Regardless of monetary considerations, children need the love, warmth, and positive guidance of both parents, and anything that is said or done to diminish those basic needs is costly — in more than dollars alone. When it comes down to the almighty dollar, whose children would you rather put through college, your own, or your attorney’s?

Borrowed from the widely acclaimed and award winning book, Stop Fighting over the Kids: Resolving Day-to-Day Custody Conflict in Divorce Situations, with permission of the author, Mike Mastracci See what the experts have to say about Stop Fighting Over the Kids www.stopfightingoverthekids.com and visit Mike’s Family Law Blog: www.DivorceWithoutDishonor.com

A question I am often asked when people come to me for an initial consultation is “How do I get a legal separation”?

What I explain to these people is that the separation occurs when the decision is made and acted upon to separate. It only takes one person to make that decision and the other spouse does not have to agree with the decision in order to make the separation legal.  Although in some jurisdictions  people can be “legally separated” and remain living in the same house provided that they are no longer acting and presenting themselves as a couple, more often the date of separation is the date when one of the spouses moved out of the home where they were residing together with the intention not to reconcile.

What the person usually means when asking me when they ask about obtaining a “legal separation” is how do they resolve the issues resulting from the separation such as the custody and access of the children, child support, spousal support and division of property.

I generally discourage people from going to court without first having tried to negotiate a Separation Agreement with their ex-spouse through alternative dispute resolution. A separation agreement outlines the rights and responsibilities of each of the parties with respect to their children, financial support, property division and estate matters.

For a separation agreement to be legally binding in the jurisdiction where I reside (i.e. in Ontario, Canada)  it has to be in writing, be signed by both parties in front of the witness and dated.  It is possible to enter into a legally binding separation agreement without having consulted a lawyer. However this is risky as an agreement entered into without the benefit of legal advice could potentially be set aside by a court if either party decides to challenge the agreement at a later date. Also, many people think they know the law when in fact they do not. I hear many “myths” about family law from clients who have been talking to friends and family members about their separation and have been misinformed by them. If you do not know the law you might not include something important in your agreement or include things in your agreement which you find out later on are not legally binding. Another benefit of seeking independent legal advice prior to signing an agreement is that the lawyer who gave you advice about your agreement will be liable and may have to pay you damages if they do not adequately protect your interests.

If you are trying to negotiate terms of a separation agreement with your ex-spouse and reach an impasse, there are several alternative dispute resolutions options available to you to assist you in resolving the issue.

One such alternative is mediation, whereby you seek the assistance of a third party, who is neutral, to assist you in discussing the issue and coming to an agreement. What a good mediator will do is help you differentiate between your “position” and your “interest”. In doing so they can often help you to identify common interests and to seek solutions that are “win-win”. However, if you cannot agree during the mediation, the mediator will not make a decision for you.

To avoid this scenario some people agree to participate in Med-Arb which is short for Mediation/Arbitration. This is where you start off with mediation but if you are unable to agree through mediation the mediator switches hats and becomes an “arbitrator” and will make a decision for you based on your submissions. The role of the arbitrator is very similar to that of a judge. You can also participate in arbitration without first attempting mediation. The advantage of arbitration over court is that you can choose your own judge, can keep your information private and can have more control over the procedure that is used to decide the issue. In most jurisdictions, arbitration awards are just as binding as court orders and can be appealed to a court in some circumstances if a serious error has been made by the arbitrator.

You can also participate in the Collaborative Family Law process. This is where you each hire lawyers who are collaboratively trained to assist you in negotiating an agreement. This is done by holding four way meetings with both lawyers and parties present to discuss the issues. Prior to entering into negotiations the parties and lawyers sign a contract stating that they will not go to court and that if they do they cannot use the same lawyers or any of the professionals who assist them in the process. There are sometimes other collaboratively trained professionals who assist the parties with parenting issues or financial issues.

Some people try to negotiate an agreement through their lawyers. In my experience, this can lead to the parties losing control over the settlement discussions and incurring unnecessary costs, but it does work in some situations.

If you or your ex-spouse are not willing to participate in any of the alternative dispute resolution processes described above and you cannot agree about one of the important issues resulting from your separation, such as who should have custody of the children, your only alternative is to go to court. Family courts vary greatly depending on the jurisdiction where your reside. In Ontario where I practice the court process is time consuming and expensive. It also usually leads to increased conflict between the parties which can be very harmful to any children who are involved in the separation.

Anne-Marie Langan is a sole practitioner who has a family law practice in Sharbot Lake, Ontario. Anne-Marie’s primary objective is to make family law more accessible for people who would not otherwise be able to afford a lawyer by keeping her fees affordable and through free public education. You can find more of Anne-Marie’s articles on her website at www.langanfamilylaw.com .