Simple Divorce Advice

When someone choses to get married, divorce is clearly not the expected or desired outcome. There is often hurt, anger, and disappointment when a relationship doesn’t meet the hopes and expectations you had for your partner and the marriage. These emotions and feelings are normal in the process of divorce and, in most cases, unavoidable. However, if the losses incurred with the divorce are not fully grieved, these feelings can lead to judgment and condemnation of the former loved one.  These, in turn, can keep one emotionally hostage to the emotions surrounding the divorce.

Condemning Beliefs about the Former Spouse

Sometimes anger toward the other person is what a person uses to get through the difficult process of separating from someone he or she once loved. But when anger and other difficult emotions generate firmly-held beliefs about the character or value of the former spouse, these beliefs can hang on long after the divorce has been finalized.  Especially when children are involved, these beliefs can be damaging.

Harboring intense judgment toward another person or believing their faults are the totality of who they are is a serious impediment to the emotional release of that other person. Judgment and condemning beliefs have a strong emotional charge, so when another person is held in judgment, a great deal of negative emotional energy is tied up with that other person. This in turn keeps one negatively attached to a former spouse and obstructs the process of complete healing.

The Need to Emotionally Release the Former Spouse

In order for complete healing to occur, a release of the other person must take place. This doesn’t mean it’s necessary to see the other person as faultless, just that maintaining critical judgments and beliefs about another person is harmful to one’s own emotional wellbeing. When one is able to let go of critical judgments and condemning beliefs, the emotional charge they carry dissipates and the negative attachment may be released. Then one’s healing may continue and the possibility of emotional freedom from the other person is possible. Under these conditions, if a relationship continues for the purpose of parenting or some other joint concern, there is much more likelihood that genuinely respectful interaction can take place.

The divorce process usually occurs over an extended period of time. In the earlier stages, the prospect of emotionally releasing the former spouse may seem absolutely impossible. With time and a healthy grieving process however, it will eventually seem like a much more manageable proposition.

Grieving and Moving On

A healthy grieving process involves recognizing and experiencing the losses that are an inevitable part of divorce. Not only is the former spouse no longer a part of one’s daily life, but the life created with the other person is also gone with the divorce. These are painful losses that many people would like to avoid recognizing in order to avoid the pain of loss. But when you are truly committed to moving on with your life, it is necessary to give yourself permission to experience these losses on an emotional level. Some people choose to do a part of this alone but most people want or need help from friends, family, or a therapist to be a support in this process. Grieving is usually both an individual and social process.

Gaining a Balanced Perspective

When you have had an opportunity to go through the stages of grief in the loss of a marriage, then the opportunity for full emotional release of the other person is possible.  To begin with, taking stock of the valuable life lessons learned in the marriage is a way to reintroduce a balanced perspective on the former spouse. Looking at both joint failures and joint successes is also a way of gaining a clear and honest perspective on the marriage and the other person you chose to experience one part of your life journey with. Finally, taking a compassionate look at what you contributed to the marriage dynamic will prepare you for an emotional release of the other person.  With intention and some work, your perspective might eventually shift to recognizing that your former spouse most likely operated in the way he or she was best equipped to do, despite his or her failings.   When this is recognized, the pull toward judgment and the ensuing anger will lose its strength and you will have created the possibility for the emotional release of the other person.

Emotional Freedom and Feeling Whole Again

In the final stages of divorce and afterward, continue to work toward the emotional release of your former spouse by letting go of condemning beliefs and judgments. Clearly there will be sadness and grief over the loss of a marriage and sometimes bitter disappointment. But eventually, the aim is to be free of the emotional baggage, residual judgments, and harsh beliefs that often come about in the process of divorce.  When you are free of these, you can begin to feel truly whole again… or perhaps for the very first time.

View original post: Working Toward Emotional Freedom After a Divorce

Popularity: 10% [

If you’re new here, you may want to subscribe to my RSS feed. Thanks for visiting!