Simple Divorce Advice

By Kristin Little

Whether divorce is something you have had time to consider, or if you are in shock to learn that your partner has decided to end the marriage, you are on what Robert Emery (2006) terms the “emotional roller coaster of grief”. Even if you consider yourself to be “good” with emotions you may find yourself wildly swinging from one emotional state to another. Emery describes grief in divorce as different than other theories of loss such as the well-known Kubler-Ross model of bereavement: anger, denial, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Instead the emotional process of grief in divorce is less of a progression beginning at point A and ending at point B and more of a repeated cycling through three emotional states: Love, anger and sadness.

The feelings of love, anger and sadness may take many forms. You may feel the pull of the loving relationship that you have come to depend on for so many years. You may remember the courtship, the loving memories, the promises and dreams shared and you may hope for reconciliation or wish it could be so. Then you may feel all-consuming anger at the choices you now have to make, your feelings of betrayal and rejection, or anger that your partner is so coldly moving forward or that your partner refuses to accept reality and responsibility and move forward. Then you may slide into the third wave- sadness. Sadness may come as a slow moving river of grief for what once was and may never be again. The longing for lost dreams, the fear of what will happen- the overwhelming burden  of loss.

Complicating everything is the fact that partners are most always at different points in their emotional process. Each partner is feeling intense emotions but not at the same pace or the same emotion. Some partners may even have a head start and be much further along in the process than the other. One partner may have come to the decision of divorce after months of contemplation giving them time to process their feelings about the relationship, plan changes and possibly even envision a future beyond the divorce. If there is an affair the partner may even be taking steps to create a future life. Contrast this to the partner who has no idea that divorce may be a possibility. The shock for them is intense and sudden rather than the slow realization and grieving the other partner has experienced.

In the beginning stages Emery asserts that feelings tend to be intense and not mixed together. You may feel all love one moment only to feel all anger or all sadness the next. It is as if there is a need to dive completely in and immerse yourself in the immensity of your feelings, to get a grasp of the landscape of this different world you find yourself in and ground yourself in this new reality of divorce. Over time however as you become accustomed to your surroundings, Emery suggests that the intensity of feelings begins to decrease and that the feelings of love/anger/sadness begin to blend. The move between emotions becomes more gradual and love can be tinged with sadness or anger can be balanced with love. You can slowly begin to move to a newer more authentic realization that all your emotions have a place within you and you can honor all of them as part of your experience. Knowing that while you may be angry, that you also may access love or sadness allows for newer stability within you and also in your interactions with your ex-partner. You can begin to develop a compassion for the whole of your experience rather than be swept away in a maelstrom of emotion. Hopefully over time you can also begin to understand that while your partner may not have had the same experience at the same time that they too have been suffering albeit in different ways. Even if there is still anger and disagreement, this new understanding of their experience- empathy, can be the building blocks for forgiveness and the new foundation for a healthy co-parenting relationship if you have children.

If you are in the beginning stages of divorce, understanding and managing your own emotions may seem a daunting task, never mind cultivating compassion and forgiveness for your partner. You may need the fire and strength of anger or the slow solitude of sadness, or the grounding of memories or a sliver of hope to get you through each day. As you allow yourself to move through these waves of emotion remember that they will not last forever and they will become less intense and powerful. Caring for yourself, giving yourself safety and adequate time to feel all of your emotions plants the  seeds for your own healing, helps you to more fully understand your marriage and yes ultimately helps you to better and more compassionately understand your ex. So what can you do if you feel yourself on this wild ride that you can’t stop? Even if you can’t stop the process of grieving, there are concrete ways that you can take care of yourself, your family and begin to move towards a future you have yet to envision:

1. Remember this is temporary and protect yourself:

Expecting yourself to always be at your best is unrealistic. Everyone deserves to lose it a bit during a divorce. Know when you are feeling vulnerable and take time to be alone or with safe friends to vent or just to enjoy things that make you feel good despite what you are going through. It is a good idea to think of and stick to some ground rules to keep you healthy and in reasonable control such as monitoring your drinking, not becoming isolated, not engaging in conflict around the children and not becoming involved in another relationship prematurely. It is also helpful to commit to healthy practices such as daily exercise, taking naps, journaling and maintaining contact with others and doing something enjoyable each day. Still, everyone will make some mistakes. Make a vow to acknowledge and take responsibility and apologize for hurtful or unkind actions or words. Extend the same compassion to your partner. If you mess up in front of your children, let them know you messed up and that you will do better in the future.

2. Recognize if you are stuck:

If you find that you are only feeling one emotion all the time, either sadness, love or anger, you may be stuck. Being stuck in love may be a sign that you are not being as realistic about your chances for reconciliation as is warranted. Being stuck in anger may be a way for you to deny the sadness and love that is also part of grieving and being stuck in sadness can lead to chronic depression. All are indicators that you are not moving forward. Although you may not know what it will look like, you do have a future and staying behind may keep you from feeling the pain of loss, it will also rob you of your potential for growth and opportunities that await you. If you find yourself stuck, seek out professional support to help you process your grief.

3. Resist using your partner for support and validation:

Know that although your partner was your main source of support in your marriage, you must go through this without their support. That is not to say that you at times cannot express how you are feeling but rather you cannot count on them to validate and share your experience. This is the first step at creating healthy boundaries and finding your own support network. Often seeking caring and compassion with your ex can lead to misunderstandings or feelings of rejection or anger which can lead to more suffering rather than less.

4. Recognize your partner is suffering give them leeway and expect the same:

Understand that while your partner may be feeling differently than you they are still grieving. Allow for some distance to safely navigate your own feelings and allow them the same.

5. Prepare your friends and choose them carefully:

Let your friends know what you are going through- that you may angry one minute and sad the next. Acknowledge it may be confusing and ask them not to get stuck themselves. Find people who understand you need them to listen to you rather than go off with their own anger or sadness. Let them know that at the end you need to have a working relationship with your ex (especially if you have children) and that you need them to be able to make that transition with you. If you have friends or family members that cannot contain their own feelings or if your venting may influence their ability to accommodate your ex in your future- find other friends or a therapist to help you with the need to express your emotions.

6. Protect your children:

Your children need you to guide them and to express confidence that you and they will be okay. Expressing uncontrolled emotion is frightening to children and utilizing them as supports only undermines their confidence and keeps them from expressing and processing their own needs and feelings. Make sure you have adequate time away from parenting to vent and manage your own reactions and emotions so that you can be present and attentive as a parent. One of the unexpected benefits of divorce is that with parenting schedules you may have more adult time to spend with friends or spend engaging in fun healthy activities you may have not had time for when you were married. Take advantage of the time to support and rediscover yourself.

Divorce can be one of the most difficult and challenging experiences of adult life. It is often overwhelming and frightening. However there are hidden potentials for growth. It may not be the future you envisioned, but there is still a future for you and a chance for you to learn not only about your vulnerabilities but also about your strengths and abilities. Developing awareness and compassion is the first step to healing and creating a new vision for the future, for yourself and your family.

References:

Robert E. Emery, The Truth about Children and Divorce; Dealing with the Emotions so You and Your

Children Can Thrive (New York: Penguin, 2006)

Excerpt from: The Emotional Roller Coaster of Divorce

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