Simple Divorce Advice

Here’s a common situation:  A married couple schedules their first marriage counseling session.  They come into the office, settle in on the couch, and start to tell their story.  Spouse #1 sits quietly, prepared to do what it takes to improve the marriage.  Spouse #2 says something like, “I can’t take it anymore.  There’s no passion, no communication, and I just can’t go on with this charade.”  Often, Spouse #1 is blindsided and bewildered, saying, “I thought we were happy enough.  I just thought we needed to work on a few small changes.  I had no idea.”  The other spouse sets his jaw and stares straight ahead with a grim expression, then stands up abruptly to leave and says to the counselor, “She’s your problem now.”  This phenomenon is known as Spouse-Dumping.  Spouse #2 is dumping Spouse #1 on the therapist.  The therapist smacks his own head with his hand and concludes, “Oh, I see.  This isn’t couples counseling at all!  This is a Spouse Dump.  Now I will help clean up the mess and make sure the shocked and devastated spouse doesn’t fall completely apart while Spouse #2 packs his belongings.  Got it.” Why didn’t not just explain that to the counselor from the start?  Next we begin the process of helping Spouse #1 work through “The Emotional Curve.”

The Emotional Curve isn’t exactly the same for everyone, but there are some common points along the way.  There are five typical “stages” along the curve.

Stage One:  Spouse #1 is in disbelief.  She can’t grasp the fact that the marriage is over.  She tells the therapist that she is dumbfounded and speaks in lists, indexing all of the happy moments as evidence that things were really fine all along and this can’t be happening.

Stage Two:  Spouse #1 begins to suspect that Spouse #2 is never coming back.  S1 is anxiety-ridden – “What does this mean?”  “Who am I without him?”  “Does this mean I have to get a second job?” “Should I call a lawyer?” (yes, probably, or — even better — find a good mediator or divorce coach) “What will our friends think?”  “Where will I live?”  And so on.

Stage Three:  Rage – S1 is incensed, “How could he do this to me after all of this time?”  “Why didn’t he just leave when I was 30, with perkier breasts and zero cellulite?”  “Who is that woman I saw him with at the store last week?”  “I gave him everything!”  “Who does he think he is?”

Stage Four:  Wrath or Total Passivity – S1 either keys S2’s car, beats up/scares/stalks S2’s newer, younger girlfriend, puts S2’s remaining belongings on the lawn and turns on the sprinklers, fills the kids’ heads with stories of their terrible father, or just resigns entirely, going catatonic dead weight and crawling into bed for days on end.  At best, in this stage, S1 walks around like a zombie, not knowing what to do now that life has changed so irrevocably.  During this stage, it helps immensely to employ a trusted counselor and an experienced mediator or coach.  It also helps to have compassionate, warmhearted friends and family.

Stage Five:  The Revelation – S1 thinks, “You know, I always hated how he would mow the lawn at 6am on Saturday mornings.  It’s kind of nice to sleep in.”  “S2 never went to church with me, so I used to skip it too.  Now I can go to church AND Sunday school.”  In Stage Five, counseling is almost over – we can sort out S1’s portion of the responsibility for the divorce, prepare to make healthier mate selections in the future, rebuild self-respect, and then boom – we’re out.  This might sounds glib, but it happens a lot – now, S1 is good as new.  Spouse #1 has worked through the entire emotional curve and has come out on the other side, ready to move forward, co-parent, and create a healthier post-divorce relationship.  If you’re going through the emotional curve right now, remember that Stage Five is coming.  You’ll get there.  If you’re careful, you can avoid or at least mitigate much of the insecurity, rage, utter misery, and fear that will precede it.  If you’re willing to educate yourself about the process, willing to seek appropriate professional assistance, and willing to accept help from friends and family, you are already well on your way toward completing the emotional curve and moving toward a happier life.

—Pamela Milam is currently completing a book entitled, What Your Therapist Really Thinks About You.  She has co-authored a workbook with Nathaniel Smith, LPC, entitled, Taming Your Temper:  A Workbook for Individuals, Couples, and Groups.  She is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a Certified Coach in Dallas, Texas.  http://www.dfwcounselor.com/index.html

Excerpt from: The Emotional Curve: Knowing What’s Coming and Holding onto Hope

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