The 3 A’s Of Divorce: Abuse, Affairs And Addiction

The 3 A’s Of Divorce: Abuse, Affairs And Addiction As a clinical psychologist and certified addictions counselor I see husbands and wives in individual or couples therapy on a daily basis grappling with the decision to divorce their spouse. Doctors and therapists have long referred to the three “A’s” of divorce as legitimate reasons to consider divorce when the behavior of one’s partner is clearly abusive. Psychologists have learned that the top three reasons for divorce are Abuse, Addiction and Affairs.

Researchers have long reported that financial and money problems were the number one conflict on which most couples disagreed and that communication was the number two reason couples sited for marital discord. These problems pale in comparison to the severity of consequences resulting from abuse, addiction and affairs.

When patients ask me whether they should leave their partner or initiate divorce proceedings very often it is because of some form of abuse which can be categorized as one of the three A’s. Any one of these behaviours can be severe enough to make the answer to this question simple yet it is an intensely personal decision and the decision process must be made in the context of careful consideration for oneself, one’s family and the state and federals laws pertaining to the behaviour. It is of the utmost importance that when faced with a partner who is engaged in these behaviours that one is consulting a professional and receiving all the support, education and counselling that one can have. These are not decisions that should be made in a vacuum.

Any one instance of the three A’s may be something that couples can recover from if they receive enough help and support. For example one patient with whom I worked found that she began to have feelings for a man she met online living in another state. She had no physical relationship with this man but she continued to be connected with him for two years. When she and her husband finally entered couples therapy she was able to confess about her affair and end it promptly. She was able to work on what led her to stray from her husband and to articulate the ways in which she felt she was not getting her needs met at home and they were able to make changes in order to save their marriage.

Another case of forgiving a violation of the three A’s involved a couple I worked with where the man was physically abusive at times. He would block his wife’s exit from a door when she wanted to leave the house, jealously hack into her email and listen to her phone messages. At one point he shoved her hard and she fell almost bumping her head on a coffee table. While these are mostly considered abusive behaviours in most states and illegal this couple was able to learn about the definition of abuse including physical, sexual and emotional abuse and the man was able to fully engage in individual counselling. Oftentimes couples enter couples counselling when marriages are on the brink and it becomes quickly clear that one or both partners need individual counselling before the couples work can be successful. This is a good example of one of those cases. The husband in this instance joined a group of men focusing on anger management and copings skills and continued to work on himself in individual therapy. Most importantly he was able to identify and stop the abusive behaviour and the couple was able to resume their progress in couples counselling. After significant time and work they were able to salvage their relationship. This involved the wife’s ability to forgive and trust her husband again but also the husbands ability to express his anger towards her in a more acceptable, healthy and helpful way.

Addiction may be no different from affairs and abuse in this regard. Sometimes when one’s addiction is so severe, it is clearly grounds for divorce but by no means is this always the case. When a husband or wife adequately addresses their drug and alcohol issues or other addictive issues such as shopping addiction, gambling, love or sex addiction, a couple can recover from the hurt shame and consequences of the behaviours. Many people are familiar with the quote, “We’re not responsible for falling down but we are responsible for getting back up.” This is a wonderful analogy for the disease model of addiction. If you are walking along and you don’t see a hole and you fall in it, it may not be your fault. It is however, your responsibility to get up or to ask for help. An individual with an addiction is not responsible for having the disease. It is a hereditary illness with psychosocial, biological, personal and cultural origins. However, once someone knows they have an addiction they are responsible for picking themselves back up, getting treatment, avoiding people, places and things associated with their addiction and working a program of recovery involving therapy, meetings and the use of a support network like a twelve step fellowship.

A few important things to remember: The three A’s and the behaviours surrounding them need to cease right away. In some cases this can be a work in progress but in others it can’t. Physical, sexual and emotional abuse needs to stop immediately. Some of these behaviours are obviously illegal and non-negotiable. There is no way to continue an affair and work on one’s marriage at the same time. It is a spouse’s responsibility to communicate to their partner what is acceptable and what is not. It is also incumbent on a spouse to become educated about the law, about the disease of addiction and to learn as much about the psychological underpinnings of these sorts of behaviours. It is a partners responsibility to communicate as clearly as possible about what he or she believes is going on and to insist that their partner get help.

Finally, rarely is anyone able to work through these sorts of problems without the support of professional help. To find a professional to help you and your spouse these days it is very easy. You can type the terms for example “psychologist addiction [your city]” into any search engine. There are portals like Psychology Today’s Therapist Directory http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/profsearch.php which are extremely helpful in finding a therapist. You can contact your local city or state Psychological Society or Psychological Association. Speak with a physician or friend that you know who has been in counselling and ask them or their therapist for a referral. Many therapists have information about finding a therapist on line as well for example here is a link to that information on my own website http://www.jeremyfrankphd.com/topics/how-to-choose-a-therapist . Most local therapists are willing to consult at no charge for a phone conversation to help you determine if they might be a good match for you or your spouse.

Dr. Jeremy Frank PhD CAC is a licensed psychologist and certified addiction counsellor with a private practice in Philadelphia and the Main Line. www.jeremyfrankphd.com