Your spouse just sprung the Big D on you and you are in total shock. You had no idea that your spouse was this unhappy or was there a part of you that knew that something was not right in your marriage?
How do you figure out what’s going on with your spouse and why your spouse is throwing in the towel?
Has your spouse talked about divorce before? Some people tend to see things in black and white, either/or terms, when they feel emotional distressed about their marriage. These are spouses that threaten with divorce or emotional cop out (withdraw) when they are upset, because they don’t know what else to do to fix the issues.
Now is the time to sit down together and start communicating in a new and more effective way. The way you have been communicating is not working out and you need to stop doing what isn’t working! This is not an easy task, because you are very upset, frightened and confused, and it is only understandable that you are desperate to defend yourself from disaster with any means you have.
The following gives you a road map for effective communication that can help you increase clarity about what is happening with each of you and what is happening between the two of you.
- You both need to be clear in conveying your own perspective and how your point of view is different from your spouse’s perspective.
- Start by figuring out what you think and feel about your marriage. What are you happy and unhappy about? Remind yourself that this is your point of view.
- To be able to understand why your spouse is talking about divorce, you need to be able to listen.
- For you to be truly able to listen, you have to calm yourself enough to not interrupt, defend yourself or attack when your spouse is talking. Instead remind yourself that for your own peace of mind, you need to know what is going on with your spouse.
- Tell your spouse that you want to understand his/her perspective even though it is hard to hear. You no longer want to stand with your head in the sand.
- Adopt a curious mindset. Ask clarifying questions and recap what you hear to make sure you understand and help your spouse elaborate. Good questions to ask are about thoughts, feelings, values and importance. (What is most important? Why is this important? How important? Etc.)
- When you are trying to understand your spouse, it is not the right time for you to explain your own views. This is about timing.
- Ask questions to deeper your understanding, not to get back at your spouse.
If this is different from how you usually respond to your spouse when you are distressed, you are showing your spouse that you want to:
- Listen.
- Understand.
- Work on saving your marriage.
- Stay calm even when your spouse isn’t.
Influence your spouse by choosing a calm response!
- By staying calm you help your spouse stay calm too, which makes it easier to think straight and find solutions to the issues you are struggling with.
- When the time is right, choose to talk about your point of view in a calm collected way without blaming your spouse for how you feel.
Irene Savarese is a Marriage & Family Therapist with office in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. She writes a Relationship Counseling Blog, http://www.irenesavarese.com/blog/
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Wow, this is an important post. I particularly like your point about dualisms—how people see things as all one thing or the other. I wonder how many divorces happen because people don’t understand that nothing in life is perfect or terrible, that we just all have to do the best we can.
Thanks for visiting Caren,
Yes, the black/white, either/or thinking gets in the way. To be aware of how we respond to our spouse when distressed is a good start. Many people automatically respond with defensive remarks or by attacking back. These reactions is not conductive for understanding where each other is coming from.
Visit relationship blog for post about how to communicate effectively.http://irenesavarese.com/blog/?p=2510
Sincerely Irene
Good advice.
I wondered if you have suggestions for starting your strategy when someone’s decided they want a divorce and you are shattered by the news. It would be hard to be planful and calm. Ideas??
Thanks Cherry,
How to stay calm is the big question! I think the awareness comes first. Knowing the benefits of staying calm and reminding self is the first step in the process. Taking a short timeout, go for a walk, write out your thoughts in a journal, and asking yourself what is most important can help. But do remember to come back and continue the talk if you are the one asking for a timeout.
Sincerely Irene
Great post! Crispy Clear!
Thanks Bill!
I really like the sound, practical advice.
It’s so easy to let emotions take over, and before you know it–both parties are screaming over one another.
I think if a spouse is shocked and surprised by the D word, there must be a lack of attunement, or denial. If you are committed to your relationship, you know when the ship is starting to sink…
There is no “we” in me. The couple is the focus, not on dual personalities.
Great post, Irene–thanks!
Hi Linda,
Denial and not knowing what to do to fix things play a big role. In my work as a couples therapist I help couples take a look at relationship patterns and start responding differently to each other when under stress. Staying calm is a big part of understanding what is going on in relationship. We don’t think very well when we are upset and often we say things we don’t mean.
For those of you that want advice on How to Save Your Marriage, go to http://irenesavarese.com/blog/?page_id=204
Sincerely Irene and thanks for reading my stuff!