Life After Divorce – Your Choice! | Simple Divorce Advice

Life After Divorce – Your Choice! Your divorce is over. You have a financial settlement, you have a parenting plan and you have separated all belongings. You have in all physical ways divided, split, disconnected, detached and unglued and can start your life after divorce.

The question that needs asking is, psychologically where are you? Probably feeling emotionally battered and bruised from the months it took for the divorce to be finalised and the years it took for the marriage to come to an end. There is probably immense relief that decisions have been reached and you can now make choices for yourself.

There is no right feeling at this time, in fact, you are still probably experiencing a constant merry-go-round of emotions about your divorce. Grieving your marriage is a normal process, missing having a partner, missing having help with children, being afraid of surviving alone, still having anger at your spouse, resenting the outcome of the settlement, and a myriad of other reasons could have you stuck in the ‘after divorce phase, unable to move forward syndrome’.

Life after divorce is a choice, one every divorcee must make. Some people will make the decision not to embrace life but instead close themselves off from making any choices which could see them get hurt again, emotionally or financially. This is a bad choice; one that only damages and impairs their own existence.

How To Make A Start or ‘Now What?’

The first thing to do is decide how you are coping emotionally. Do you need to find someone to talk to? If you can’t make heads or tails of your thoughts, emotions and do not seem to be moving forward then you need to take stock and do something.

Accept That Your Marriage Is Over – accepting that your marriage has ended, is a first step to moving forward. This may sound strange but some people hope their ex will miraculously realise their mistake and come back. This doesn’t really transpire very often so best not to hold a candle up for this one.

Your Life is Different – accept that your life is now different. And work through the ways it is different and make them work for you.

Friends and Acquaintances Will Change – You may have lost some joint friends; people tend to choose a single person from a marriage to stay acquainted with when there is a divorce. It is not that your joint friends intend to be unkind; they probably feel more comfortable with one or another of you. More than likely, you will have a friend gap to fill, this is the perfect opportunity to decide who you want to be friends with, where you would likely meet like-minded people and find them.

Work Out Your Financial Obligations – this is imperative and should not be put off especially if it scares you to think about it. You will need to get financial advice if you are have a lump to invest, you may benefit from a financial expert helping you work out what you can and cannot do with your income.

You may need to think about getting work if you have not worked previously. This can be a really hard move for many mothers who are used to being at home for their children. It may also be necessary.

Find Someone To Talk To – If you can afford it find a therapist or coach with a good understanding of divorce to help you work out your feelings and move forward. Talking to friends and family can just be a way of going round and round the same issues and staying stuck in the blame/shame space. There are also support groups you can join and classes to move forward.

Find Time To Laugh – this is important. Find time to enjoy yourself. Let yourself be gregarious and sociable, allow yourself to be happy. This may sound like a silly idea but many people find themselves stuck in the sad mind set and find it almost impossible to let happiness back in.

Plan Your Life – If possible plan goals for reaching your ideal life. Having a plan gives you a roadmap of sorts to follow, this is much easier than trying to navigate your new life with only vague ideas about what you want, when and how to achieve them. If you have no idea about what you really want then start keeping a journal and jot down notes when they occur to you. It will eventually be a matter of connecting the dots to outline your perfect life.

Keep Parenting – your children need you to keep parenting them, this is not a time to fall apart and give up on your children. Single parenting can be difficult especially when you cannot have an amicable working parenting agreement with your ex. The thing to remember is parenting is not a race, you have a home and you can make the rules for your home, your ex can do the same, your children will respect this if you are open and honest and explain why you do what you do.

Your life will not be the same as it was when you were married so accept there will be changes, some for the better, some maybe not. The thing to remember is this is a new life, your married life is your old life, and life after divorce will be what you make of it.

David Westwick is a divorce specialist and Simple Divorce Advice contributor. David and others are responsible for Win Your Divorce – The Ultimate Workbook available for instant download.