How To Get Through A Divorce With A Little Dignity

Dignity seems to fly out the door when marriages come to an end and divorce proceeding take over. Don’t think about the way your spouse is behaving, concentrate on your own unnatural force of will that is turning all reason into flawed thinking and allowing you to do and say things that you will definitely regret once you have the chance to calm down and regroup.

What is dignity? There seems to be many meanings that basically come down to being able to have self-respect because others respect and esteem you. So, being respected is the issue and self-respect the goal.

To come out of your divorce with your head held high and know that people will say you act well takes control and awareness of your actions and your utterances. What you do and say is the essence to good or bad behaviour with the choice always being your own.

Below are 5 essential ways to build Dignity while going through your divorce:

DO NOT belittle, mock, criticise, or in any other way disparage your spouse to anyone other than your professional divorce team or a few chosen confidantes. One of the surest ways to lose dignity is to use everyone you meet as a sounding board for your feelings, your problems and your ugly divorce issues. Discussing your spouse and their bad behaviour may well be high on your to-do list but for most people it will be idle gossip and the more you complain and tell the less you will be respected. It is essential to have special people you can let your emotions freely out to but be wise enough to choose them carefully knowing they would never betray your confidence nor judge you for your feelings at this time.
Always take time to consider any communication put to you. Allowing yourself a break from your usual response style gives you a chance to logically look at the communication without letting your feelings or your past get in the way. Much of the time in divorce people react to their spouse’s communications not from a ‘will this be best’ place but from a ‘in the past you did this’ place and I will punish you now. The obvious problem is that you end up hurting everyone, prolonging the battle then causing new resentments to keep the conflict alive. Take your time in any situation you need to give an answer. Learn to say ‘Sure, I will get back to you’ or ‘Please, allow me to think about that for a day or so’. Then wait to let your emotions settle and really logically think about what has been asked.
Be the best parent you know how. Do not use your children as pawns in your divorce, they should never ever be used to gain monetary or emotional mileage, their needs are not the same as yours, they need protecting from any disparaging about the other parent and they need stability. One of the hardest things to do in a divorce when you are very angry with your spouse is to keep from involving of your children. They are the ones that sees you every day, at all hours and are more difficult to fool about your emotions. Do not try to lie to your children, if you are upset, tell them but explain that it is the end of the marriage that is sad not the behaviour of your spouse. Children can understand that the end of the marriage and the consequences are distressing. They are coping with the same things.
Do not use your lawyer as a weapon. Your lawyer is there to give you good insightful information not to send off letters every time you don’t like something your ex has done. Your lawyer can only send letters, book courts and be the front person in your battles. The job of a lawyer is to help you negotiate the best possible outcome for yourself and your family not to listen to emotional rants. Lawyers do not operate on an emotional level, their job is logical, and even when they are trying to help they can only work within the boundaries of their profession. This will usually cost you quite a bit of money and cause more aggro. Use your lawyer as a lawyer, for information and advice, to negotiate a settlement if necessary and not as the first soldier in your army.
Keep your emotions in check by planning your life after the divorce is over. Divorce is a very uncertain time, money is short, the future is uncertain, plans are out the window, nerves are frayed and nothing ever seems to be resolved. It does end, and when it does you need to be ready. Plan how you can and want to live after your divorce is settled. Knowing what is coming leads to control and calm, even if what is coming is not what was. It is the unknown that is terrifying to many people, it is this that keeps people fighting for another dollar or percentage of the house. Many people do not have any idea how their future will look or can look. Plan your future with scenarios from the worst to the best. Be ready and able to cope with the worst, you will have to if it becomes a reality so be prepared and not afraid.

Follow these 5 suggestions to gain dignity, be able to hold your head up and know you behaved in the best manner you could during your divorce. The lessons learned will help you move forward faster and with a great level of self-respect. Divorce is never easy yet gaining some control over the emotional outcome is not as difficult as it may seem.

Anthony is one of the co-contributors to Win Your Divorce The Workbook – the www.simpledivorceadvice.com – a workbook for all the areas of divorce to give our readers the help they need to move forward through the divorce process and into a new life.