Simple Divorce Advice

By Samuel B Anderson – Win Your Divorce Part 3

What does winning a divorce mean? For many people it means they win the majority of the finances, they get custody of their kids, they will be free to live as they want or they use the divorce process to make a final emotional trauma for their ex by being difficult, slow or overly aggressive and demanding.

The divorce process is different for everyone and the first thing you need to realise is what winning means for you. Not the story you are telling yourself about why you need or deserve the extra few per cent before you will settle but the real underlying reason you are working so hard to win this divorce. Most people are still upset, angry, bitter and resentful that their marriage has ended. It really doesn’t matter if you are the person who ended the marriage, your future has been changed, your life altered and all your visions for the future need to be replaced. This is terribly hard for anyone.

Losing is simply the opposite end of winning, so if you need to work out what losing means ask yourself what it would feel like if you do not get the results you want. Do your answers involve your ex and seeing them gloat or be happy? If they do then you need to seriously rethink this from your perspective and the perspective of your new life.

Winning – in my dictionary is the act of earning victory or succeeding in a competition. This is the crux of the matter, is your divorce a competition of who can hurt the other the most for the failure of your marriage, the end of your vision for the future, the selling of your house, the sadness in your children’s eyes, the resentfulness of years of unhappiness or is it a victory for starting a life where you will be happy.

When you change your view on what winning your divorce means then the fight over the candle sticks or the trivial percentages goes out the window. You will find that the victory comes when you can realise your new found vision for the future, you will be less rigid, less inclined to fight over every aspect of the divorce.

You will still have the important points of the divorce to wrangle out but with a change in mind set the way you go about negotiating will be different and instead of using fighting/battle/winning tactics you will use settle/move on/get a life tactics.

How do you change the way you think?

1. Work out how you think today, what drives you, what emotions are fuelling your actions? Write a list of your emotions, write a list of your fears, write a list of your feelings toward your ex. Be honest, no one will see them except you and they can help you understand yourself better.

2. Write down your divorce expectations, go through the list of children issues, financial issues, practical issues, behavioural and legal so that you have a real understanding of what it is you want from the divorce.

3. Now write down what will happen if you do not get exactly the settlement on each point you have made. How will you feel, how will you make it better, how will you cope.

The answers might surprise you, it is often a surprise to realise that you will cope, that you will survive and that you will move ahead no matter a loss here or there. Realising that winning or losing is a matter of perspective and the perspective comes from our feelings and emotions not always reality is a big step to a calmer divorce and a relaxed transition into a new life.

By Samuel B. Anderson, Divorce Mentor and Coach

Author of Win Your Divorce – The Ultimate Workbook which is available for immediate download through the internets most trusted carrier. For more information on the workbook read what Samuel has to say.

View original: Winning And Losing Your Divorce – What Does It Mean?

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