Simple Divorce Advice

By Samuel B Anderson

How often in divorce is money used as a weapon? There are obviously no figures but ALL the time would be the appropriate answer.

Divorce usually means less money, at least for the foreseeable future, smaller house, less income, less to be spent on recreation and at a time when it would be nice to be able to go mad and indulge your whims to feel a little better or just forget the divorce for a while.

Most people when they decide to divorce get legal advice pretty quickly. When any money or assets are involved then most people are interested in how to get the most from a settlement. A lawyer at this stage makes a guesstimate. Until a lawyer has all the facts, all the figures and all the history in front of them they can only guess at the outcome, even with all the figures lawyers can only give ball park figures.

This part of divorce usually has many players, the divorcees, the lawyers, mediators, and everyone else who wants to put in their two cents worth which can influence a case. If things get really bad then you can have judges and other specialists involved.

The challenge for the lawyer with their original guesstimate is that the client understands this is not a finite number. This is what the lawyer thinks at the time with the view to winning as much as possible for their client. This initial figure or more often percentage of the assets then becomes so ingrained in the clients head that they will do just about anything to see that it is realised.

This is when money starts to be used as a weapon. Bigger and better lawyers are used, mortgages are not paid, child maintenance is not paid, bills are not paid, credit cards are maxed out, bank accounts emptied, credit cards stopped, etc.

It seems that the more uncomfortable you can make the other person the harder it is for them to survive and the logic is that they will give in to your demands. Doesn’t always work like that, when people are desperate they will fight back and endure more than you thought possible. In divorce they will make a deal with the bank to stay in the house without paying the mortgage until the divorce is settled which only leaves the person no longer living at the home without access to a large chunk of their assets. Deals can be made with lawyers, banks, credit facilities and the like to wait until settlement to pay bills. This is just dangerous and escalates the need to win a greater percentage of the assets hence making spouses spend more on the battle for money.

Fighting over money when a marriage ends is also an emotional journey of ‘you owe me’ feelings. Many people feel owed for a life vision that will not be fulfilled. Years of married life and shared dreams at an end and no compensation for all the effort and heart-ache the marriage sucked out during its time. In fact, after all that heart break and disillusion less money, less stability and the unknown world of being alone. These feelings bring out in may people a need for revenge and to make the other person feel as bad as they do, it doesn’t matter at this point if you hurt yourself more.

When two people are playing the same ‘get as much as I can to hurt that ….’ Then divorces really escalate. Anger and disappointment make people utilise all the avenues open to them in the emotional battle to feel better by hurting the spouse that has mucked up your life. In divorce there are many ways to spend money and use money as a weapon, have your lawyer go into bat over everything, disagree with all that is put forward, refuse to pay bills or mortgages, spend money unnecessarily and only to annoy.

How do you stop using money as a weapon? You decide that you will not play the game; that your time is too precious for this behaviour. Your life choices have always been your own and you are just as much to blame for this relationship breakdown and the need to divide your lives to start again.

Coming to the realisation that an extra percentage point in your divorce settlement will not make you happy is a first step, especially if you then need to pay it to a divorce professional for actually getting it for you. You win no points for making someone else miserable, it is not a reward for hurt feelings, it is something that swallows you up and makes you less able to go out into this new life and be happy.

Stop using money as a weapon in your divorce, money is a useful tool to help you both, get back on your feet. Don’t give it away too easily.

By Samuel B. Anderson, Divorce Mentor and Coach
Author of Win Your Divorce – The Ultimate Workbook which is available for immediate download through the internets most trusted carrier. For more information on the workbook read what Samuel has to say or simple buy here.

Originally posted: Win Your Divorce – Money Is Not A Weapon Or Is It?

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