Simple Divorce Advice

By Samuel B Anderson

How do you stay focused when you are going through a divorce and there is a thousand practical things to think about, a lifetime of emotions overflowing constantly and everyone else’s issues that seem to be your responsibility?

Focus comes from knowing what it is you hope to achieve within the limitations of the situation. If your focus is short term you will not be following a ‘map’ to ultimately get the outcomes you are looking for, this is really common in divorce.

When people start the divorce process rarely do they sit down and take a realistic look at their situation, for instance, if you want 100% of the assets you are more than likely in for a costly and long fight. The thing is people fight about more often than not is a very small percentage that is more an emotional battle than a logical one. It is almost as if they think they can feel better by winning a little extra, making the spouse feel worse or, at least, as bad as they do.

To stay focused you have to know where you are going.

Where are you going?

Will you need to move?

Will you need to get used to not having your children around all the time?

Will you need to earn an income for the first time in years?

Will you be able to have more freedom?

Will you be able to do more for yourself?

How will you cope emotionally?

will you cope socially?

How will you create a home environment?

These are but a few questions that will help you sort out where you are going and keep you focused on the bigger picture.

Why the bigger picture?

 
Because in divorce too many people get embroiled in disputes over small items, that cost more to fight over than to replace. Wedding presents, gifts, pictures, candle sticks, even piles of wood. These are not life or death items, they are not going to make a difference one way or the other when it comes to a new life, they can all be replaced.

By having a plan your life after the divorce has ended you will be able to focus on the future rather than let each and every encounter with your ex, your lawyer or any other divorce situation take precedence and take your full energy and emotional input.

It will allow you to dismiss the smaller issues as unimportant and not worth fighting over. Not because you are giving in but because you will not waste your time or effort fighting over the past.

How do you even start to build an image of the future?

Some of us are very good at dreaming and planning, some of us are not. Most of us when we find ourselves in emotional turmoil have trouble planning a meal let alone a life.

There are tricks to training your mind to relax and let go and move on.
Try this,
• Every morning for the next 2 weeks get up early and go for a brisk walk. No excuses.
• Walk as quickly as you can, this will get your endorphins powering. These are the happy hormones, and we cannot be sad when we have these racing through our bodies.
• The next thing to do is to start listing the things in your life that you are happy about or grateful for. It can be difficult at first to even think of a few.
• After you have exhausted this then you can move into your new life, where you would like to live, how you would like to live, your relationships with your children and others, and every other aspect of your life.

Doing Gratefuls is not easy at first; it is a learnt discipline that takes time and concentration especially when you are not feeling happy or optimistic.
Most people start with something as bland as ‘I am grateful for my child X’ OK that is a start but really look at your child and start to be grateful for all the different elements that make up that person. Your gratefuls can and should look more like ‘I am grateful for child X, his laugh always makes everyone happy, the fact that he can say words so well, the way he runs to the door when he sees me, the perfect face of contentment I get to look at when he is sleeping, the way I can take him anywhere and he doesn’t grizzle, etc, etc.

By Samuel B. Anderson, Divorce Mentor and Coach

Author of Win Your Divorce – The Ultimate Workbook which is available for immediate download through the internets most trusted carrier. For more information on the workbook read what Samuel has to say or simple buy here.

See original: Win Your Divorce – How To Stay Focused

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