Tips For Managing Anger During Your Divorce Process

Here are some simple tips for managing anger when you are in the process of a divorce. The list below contains common mistakes and “fixes” for frequent problems encountered during conflicts:

Stop saying, “Yeah, but…”

If you are in mediation or in negotiation with your spouse or ex-spouse, stop saying, “Yeah, but…” Saying things like, “yeah, but” can create polarization and put you at risk for engaging in a point-counterpoint argument. When you say “yeah, but,” you are conveying defensiveness and justification. For instance, a husband might respond to his wife’s complaint, “It feels like you’re ignoring my requests”, by saying, “Yeah, but I can’t stand the way you nag me all the time – we aren’t really a couple anymore anyway.”

It’s better to utilize a simple acknowledgment of the other person’s side by saying, “Yes, and…”
Express to the person, “I can see your perspective – it makes sense to me.”
Be willing to acknowledge your own defensiveness.
Discover and acknowledge shared positions and viewpoints.
Take time to listen so that you can consider different ideas.
Respectfully disagree and be willing to give the other person time to consider your ideas.

Don’t Over-Vent

Over-venting takes many forms such as nagging, yelling, tantrums, punching walls, or breaking things. It is important to express your feelings, but over-venting is counterproductive.

Pay attention to your negative thoughts and to the feelings that arise from those thoughts. For example, when you think, “She’s selfish” and “She doesn’t care about anyone but herself”, these types of thoughts can lead to over-venting.
Utilize the “Time-Out” principles in order to prevent nagging, yelling, and tantrums – taking 45 minutes away from the situation will help you to cool off, think about productive and collaborative solutions, and gain perspective.
Stay away from unhealthy physical over-venting — Breaking dishes, punching walls, and violence are all physical expressions of over-venting.

Check your attitude

Sometimes couples, even ex-couples, do not have “communication problems”— they have attitude problems. A common mistake people make is that they are communicating with crystal clarity, but their communication is bitter, rigid, and disrespectful in content or tone.

Don’t say something rude and offensive and then declare, “I’m just being honest!”
Don’t be so focused on getting your point across that you forget to be respectful.
Approach the conversation with a collaborative mindset, not a win-lose mentality.
Remember not to let your tone overwhelm your content.
Do not be punitive or judging.

Listen First, Solve Second

If you are trying to discuss a problem and the other person cuts you off by suggesting solutions, you often will not feel heard or understood. Situations such as these can lead to frustration and anger. When someone approaches you with a problem, hear them out first without leaping to offer band-aid solutions. You can generate mutually beneficial solutions together later.

Remember that when someone wants to talk about a problem, they usually just want to be heard.
Be a listener, not an idea-generator.
Don’t say, “Why don’t you just (solution)?” People ask this question in order to cut the conversation short. Offering a “quick fix” generally makes the other person feel discounted or dismissed.
Participate in the conversation by actively listening – by making eye contact, facing the person, reflecting what you hear, and asking questions.
Provide solutions and options only when the other person is asking for them.

We all have made mistakes such as saying, “yeah, but,” over-venting, being rude, or not listening deeply enough. These mistakes can take a stressful divorce process and multiply it ten-fold. Our tips for improving communication will help you address those common problems and create a new set of healthy communication habits and a smoother, more collaborative divorce.

–Article co-authored by: Pamela Milam, MA, LPC (http://www.dfwcounselor.com ) and Nathaniel Smith, MA, LPC (http://www.nathanielsmithcounselor.com ). They have also co- authored Taming Your Temper: A Workbook for Individuals, Couples, and Groups.