Simple Divorce Advice

Letting go of trying to control what happens when your children are in the care of your spouse maybe difficult but it is fundamental to moving on and learning that it is no longer your place to advise or outright demand that things are done your way.

How you choose to care for, discipline, feed, etc your children when they are in your care is up to you and vice versa. When your children are with their other parent the way they choose to look after them should be left up to that parent.

A client was telling me the other day how she had taken to task her ex about not giving a mutual friend some money for looking after their son for a few days.

Now the thing is it was no longer her right to tell her ex what he should be doing when the children are in his care. Maybe she could have suggested he give some money before her son went to stay if that was appropriate. But to do so afterward was really not proper as how her ex chooses to behave is entirely up to him as a single person.

I find too many people going through divorce are constantly saying ‘he has to….’ Or ‘she must……’. Stop saying this, you cannot control people. Think of your ex as a stranger, how would you suggest a course of action to a complete stranger?

Would you speak to a stranger as you do to your ex or would you be more mannered and forgiving? My guess is you would treat a stranger better than you do the parent of your children that you are trying to communicate with and have a working relationship so you can co-parent efficiently.

Try these 5 tips to stop controlling your ex:
1. Stop saying ‘you have to….’
2. Understand that when your children are in the care of your ex the responsibility for their care and discipline is up to your ex.
3. Take control for the children’s care when they are with you. Believe in the methods you use and learn to parent to the best of your ability.
4. Start treating your ex with the same respect you would have for other single parents who are muddling through this new situation.
5. Fill up your time when the children are not with you. To have a well rounded life you need a well rounded range of friends, activities and life choices.

The thing to remember is that you harm your children with damaging behavior. And it is your bad behavior that you can control. So take yourself in hand and be the person your children would be proud to have as a parent.

Excerpt from: Stop Trying To Control The Ex In Divorce

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