A Little NLP, Self Help and Know How To Make Divorce Bearable

“To teach a man how he may learn to grow independently, and for himself, is perhaps the greatest service that one man can do another” – Benjamin Jowett
By Anne Marie Yates
A-Little-NLP-Self-Help-and-Know-How-To-Make-Divorce-Bearable
I am an NLP Master Practitioner & Coach and an experienced Energy Therapy Practitioner and I am experiencing the most amazing personal transformation and journey of a lifetime. By using various self-help tools, I have transformed my life and I hope that by sharing my experiences and learnings, I can help you help yourself get through the emotional trauma of divorce and come out on the other side not only intact but as a much stronger and more confident individual.

“Life is not a dress rehearsal” – Rose Tremain

It is your own choice to stay in an unwanted situation which can make you feel bitter and unhappy, always thinking that perhaps the grass is greener on the other side which, in turn, exacerbates that discontented feeling inside leading to resentment towards people and life in general. The desire to jump ship becomes overwhelming but your conscious mind can conjure up a jump into a black abyss which can become bigger and bigger. The more we think about leaving our present situation, even if it is the antithesis of what we desire, the more our conscious mind, our thoughts, can conjure up fears such as how will I do this? How will I cope? What will everyone think of me? Will I be happy? The most overwhelming fear of leaving a relationship for nearly everyone is “Will I be alone for the rest of my life?” And that biggest fear can stop us from doing anything and keep us stuck in so many unwanted situations.

Before I separated from my husband, the fear of being all on my own and imagining myself sitting alone night after night, feeling unhappy, was paramount in my own mind. It took a great deal of learning about the way our thoughts can create our lives and a lot of anguish before I “jumped into the abyss”. The most bizarre part was that what I was imagining was actually how I felt in my marriage – lonely and unhappy.

So what started the change, I ask myself looking back? For me, it was all about truth. Being true to myself but also being truthful to everyone around me. That is why it is said that the truth will set you free. I look back at the anger and sadness I must have caused when I decided that after twenty three years, my marriage wasn’t working. We were simply existing and not living happy fulfilled lives. As I look at everyone in my life who were affected at the time, they all now agree that it was better to have been truthful instead of living a lie. It is in fact what a lot of people say is in the final part of the emotional process of divorce – acceptance.

With all the tools I have learned as an NLP Practitioner and Energy Therapy Practitioner, I have helped myself cope with the emotional rollercoaster of divorce. The feelings of pain, guilt, remorse, anger anxiety and fear have all been dealt with in a positive and effective way.

In NLP terms, one of my favourite presuppositions that has helped me to treat everyone with more kindness and supported the value of forgiveness has been that “everyone is doing the best they can with the resources they have available”. It is such a simple and self-explanatory way to see and understand other people.

Another favourite presupposition is that “you are in charge of your mind and therefore your results”. The best question you can ask yourself is “who is driving the bus”? This will give your mind good direction and will help you take control of your own mind leading to better results in your relationships.

Another useful tool is the art of pivotal thinking. Pivotal thinking is every time you have a negative thought or feeling, you simply stop and think to yourself “I know I don’t want to feel like this or think like this, so how do I want to feel or what do I want to think?” I can give an easy example of the very first time I used this tool myself to explain it more fully.

I was still married at the time and my then husband and I had decided to try and build some bridges between us which involved going on a canal boat trip for the weekend. As the atmosphere became more and more frosty between us, I found myself focussing on the fact that I really did not want to be on a canal boat in the middle of nowhere feeling so much negative energy. So I decided to focus on what I did want. After a little thought, I decided I wanted to be on dry land on my own to clear my head and be more rational. Moments after focussing on this, I spotted a fold-away bike on the boat which I hadn’t even noticed before and, within minutes, I was riding along on the canal bank on my own, feeling more free to rationalise all my thoughts. This was such an empowering experience which helped me to gain so much more clarity than just sitting focussing on what I didn’t want.

There are so many more ways we can help ourselves through the emotional process of divorce and I hope to be able to share these with you as well. I hope you have found this a useful article and if you would like to know more about me, please feel free to contact me at
annieyates@btinternet.com
Anne-Marie-Yates
Anne Marie Yates
NLP Master Practitioner & Coach
Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) Practitioner & Trainer
Master Hypnotherapist
Reiki Master