Simple Divorce Advice

We reinvent ourselves many times in our lives. Most of us start off as helpless infants, somehow manage to get up, walk, learn to talk, get an education, hold down a job, have relationships, maybe having children and the lucky ones end up living a long happy life. Unless we are completely oblivious, the changes these stages require takes a lot of creative adaptation on our part.

Unless we have problems beyond our control, I believe we are constantly changing, tweaking things once in a while so we gradually adjust to the changes we need to make as they arrive. It’s not so much reinvention as a gradual evolution from infancy to childhood to adolescence. There are however, times when we must reinvent ourselves. When and why do we need to reinvent ourselves?

Typically people need to reinvent themselves when change arrives suddenly and unexpectedly and they are unprepared. Some of the huge game changers are separation and divorce, death of a loved one, having children, losing your job, or a long distance move. Abrupt changes like these cause stress, a loss of equilibrium and they are often very painful. Even when we see these coming, we often don’t make the changes we need to make. In each case, there is a sudden and dramatic need to change and respond. Denial or clinging to what we know are enough to keep us from adjusting to the new reality making the impact of change all the bigger.

Imagine what it’s like being happily married then finding out your partner plans to leave you for another? All of the beliefs you have about loyalty, marriage, your partner, your goals, your imagined future and many you have about yourself are being challenged. Not to put too fine a point on it, your whole world turns upside down. You might react in a number of ways: paralysis; denial; rage; revenge; disappointment; fear; shutting down and so on. You can only do that so long. Eventually you will have to heed the call to action. If you don’t change your beliefs you remain in a quagmire until you do. That’s where reinvention comes in.

When I help clients reinvent themselves one of the first things that hit them is the realization why they are stuck and that there are ways forward. So, if there is a first step to reinvention of self, it’s simply to notice your need to reinvent and know it’s possible. Awareness that your life is lousy and that it’s time to change is always the first step.

Being stuck in a painful place sucks but you might be surprised how many people live in it. To tolerate a high degree of discomfort and get used to it is a uniquely human quality. How many lousy jobs or toxic co-workers have you tolerated? How many times you have stayed too long in dysfunctional relationships? In each of these cases, it helps to pull back and get some perspective and ask yourself, why do I tolerate this? Only when you answer that can you even begin to move forward.

I got good at reinventing myself as a child. My parents divorced when I was three and we moved a dozen times in the next seven years, including across the country. In that time, I went to five different schools. Always being the new kid gets old really fast. It wasn’t long before I figured out that each time we moved it was a new opportunity to reinvent myself. With practice, I became very good at being a chameleon, good at blending in and looking like I had been there all the time. That was my creative adaptation. Hey, it worked for me.

The first step to reinvention is to notice something is wrong. In fact noticing something isn’t right is the first stage of change. Without feeling discontent, change is impossible. Discontent is the prerequisite of progress. Noticing it is your job. Once you notice it then we can go to stage two.

Bradley Foster
Giant Steps Coaching
www.giantstepscoaching.com
416-537-7282
Blog: http://giantstepscoaching.blogspot.com
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View original: How To Reinvent Yourself – Or Divorce Changes.

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