How One Therapist Survived Divorce!

By Robinson Arteaga, MA, LPCI
How-One-Therapist-Survived-Divorce
During a divorce you feel beyond sad, you feel broken, disheartened or even resentful. I would know I went through it too. During my divorce I found myself emotionally defeated and inconsolable. It was truly the hardest obstacle I’ve ever had to overcome. It felt like there was nothing I could do to get myself to sleep, eat, or keep my sanity. Night after night I’d wake up with only a couple of hours of sleep and could do little to get my mind to rest. The only nutrition my body had would be a meal replacement shake I would force myself to have because my appetite had left me for weeks.

The irrational shame I felt kept me from going out with any friends or family. In fact that year was the only year that I have spent away from my family during the winter holidays. My divorce changed me forever and those days were definitely not pleasant to live through. However, these days in my practice, I take from that experience to guide my clients through their divorce. I once heard that the best addiction counselors are rehabilitated ex-addicts, the clients in my practice have definitely benefited from my experience because I was able to pull through it and I’ve been able to break down how I did it. The easiest way to put it is that I simply kept my mind busy.

It was very difficult to soothe the emotions I felt during my divorce so I decided to work around them and you can too.

There are aspects of yourself you should always be working on that do not revolve around your relationship. I break these into four main areas; your profession, family life, spirituality and physical / mental development.

Profession – There are always professional goals you may have that you can work towards to help you keep your mind off of your relationship. In my case I decided to work as much overtime as I could take to keep me from coming back to my house where I knew I only be thinking about my situation. Working on your professional self could also mean taking that special training you had been thinking about or pursuing that dream job you’ve had in the back of your mind.

Family – It is never a bad idea to surround yourself with supportive family members that help just by being there for you. Rekindling the family relationships that you have been neglecting can also help you take your mind off of the divorce. In my case, I found it hard to be around family members because of the shame I felt and I did not want to put myself in a position where I would be getting asked questions about my ex-wife. However, that may not be the case for you.

Spiritually – No matter what your religious views may be, developing a relationship with that higher power can ease the burden off of your shoulders. Out of everything that I did to dig myself out of that hole, praying was one of those things that helped the most intense moments. Prayer is one of those intangible “x-factors” that are hard to account for in research. However, if you think about what most prayers consist of they usually include being thankful for the things you have, which forces you to focus on what is going right with your life. Most prayers also include some sort of a request for guidance or strength. What you are doing there, consciously or unconsciously, is giving yourself something to work towards.

Physical / Mental Development – This is probably the one aspect that where I placed the most emphasis and helped me the most in my path to healing. My sleepless nights turned into early gym visits so my mornings started with a rigorous workout. The five weekly gym visits turned into a routine that lasted about a year and a half after the divorce. The endorphins released during those cardiovascular workouts were the best anti-depressants that aided in my recovery.

Finally, the manner that I developed myself mentally was learning about a topic that interested me and had nothing to do with my profession. That topic was technology. I learned about how to build computers, software, video editing, etc. Because I was working so much overtime I was taking bi-weekly trips to the local electronic store and gave myself projects to work that dealt with computers during the weekends. That does not mean that I recommend everyone learn about computers, but I do recommend you find something that you want to learn about whether it’s martial arts, cooking, dancing, or home improvement. Find something to channel your energy that will have a positive result.

Does this mean that I’m recommending that you completely disregard the emotional aspect of getting through this experience? No that is not what I’m recommending at all. The idea behind this process I suggest for you is that there is a part of you that is suffering and suffering to a point that will be difficult to console. If I had focused on my emotions at that time I could have spent many more months in that hole I felt I was in.

What I am suggesting is that there are other parts of you that you can develop to help drag that suffering part of you through this challenge. I have seen it work in my case and in the lives of many of my clients. Keep moving, going forward do anything to keep yourself from being in that place that has you stuck where you are. Even in the times when I felt like I was going to have a meltdown, I reminded myself, “Keep busy, do something!”

Rob Arteaga, MA
Licensed Professional Counselor – Intern
Certified Anger Resolution Therapist
Certified Trauma Resolution and Wellness Counselor
R.O.P.E.S. Facilitator
832-549-0082

www.InnovationsCounseling.com
Robert Artega