Minimizing The Effects Of Divorce On Children.

Minimising the effects of divorce on children

By D Ivan Young

If you’re the parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, or friend of a child that’s being affected by a failed relationship, what you say, and do has lifelong effects on that child. This chapter addresses the importance of your contribution in minimizing the negative effects of breakups and divorce on children. The nature of your relationship with the child is irrelevant. If he or she is within earshot of you, what you do and what comes out your mouth may do irreparable psychological harm.

Foolish, irresponsible comments made in the presence of children by friends, family members, neighbours, teachers, and others needlessly crush their self-esteem.

Such thoughtless actions intensify the suffering, sadness, tribulations, and unhappiness that children experience while their family is going through a breakup. They’re never too young or old to be immune to what you say.

If you think physical molestation has cataclysmic effects on children, it pales in comparison to the effects associated with character assignation of a child’s parent.

In 2010, I did more than 150 interviews for print, radio, and television entities. Not once did I have someone engage a dialogue where children didn’t become part of the discussion. Honestly, there were times that tears formed in the corners of my eyes due to the selfish, ignorant thought processes and comments of so-called family friends, estranged in-laws, and even parents.

With that stated, I want to address the effects of your comments in the presence of children. To begin with, please consider that they are already in a tormenting stressed state. Not thinking before you speak fosters unnecessary pain to a child that’s already emotionally wounded. I’m going to use my childhood as an example. As a child, I was teased because my parents were much older than those of my peers. What a majority of my classmates didn’t know is that I was an adopted child. To this day, I remember how hurt and embarrassed the children made me feel when my parents would come to pick me up. Mind you, I had a wonderful Mom and Dad who were happily married. Can you fathom how bad it must be for a child to hear another child talk negatively about their parent, let alone hear an adult do it? Put yourself in a child’s position. Imagine what it must feel like if the adult making such comments about your mom or dad is a grandparent, sibling, aunt, uncle, or other relative, friend of the family, or authority figure—or worse, the other parent or his or her new significant other.

In a nutshell, if you don’t have anything positive to say, say nothing at all. You can’t unstrike a match.

THINGS MOMS AND DADS NEED TO KNOW

Every year, more than a million children in the United States experience the divorce or breakup of their parents. Whether you’re married or not, the process and trauma children who are part of this relationship experience from this breakup has typically begun long before you thought about separating. If you’re indecisive about breaking up or getting a divorce, please take a close look at what the struggle is doing to your children. To a child, the family unit is one being. Think of it in these terms: If you severe any body part, doesn’t it hurt the rest of the body.

Whatever their age, they are aware that something is wrong. Depending on how long you drag it out, parental disagreements, anger, fighting, and stress tend to worsen throughout the breakup process. For the sake of yourself and your children, it’s very important that you resolve your situation decisively, with as much damage control as possible with respect to the children. Procrastination is an ally to no one; hesitation only effects that breaking up and divorce have on children.

Although it is an ugly subject, children and dysfunctional relationships is something that we must address. Before we begin the process of dismantling this relationship, let’s learn to minimize the damage that it may have on any child. Done right, what seems to be a curse will transform into a blessing if you do something to minimize the collateral effects.

Children end up in the midst of a fractured relationship in three ways:

Birthed: You and your ex are the adopted or biological parents.
Grafted: Stepchildren are involved.
Blended: You have a child and so does your ex.

In any of these cases, the subject of our discussion is how the things that affect you affect them. Typically children fit into one or two categories: Current victims of divorce, or future catalyst for, divorce. Children born into an unhealthy relationship are truly victims of two immature people leaping before looking. On the other hand, some kids are the catalyst for the destruction of a good relationship. What that means is that parenting differences, ex spouses, ex in-laws, and/or strained finances can damage yours and your children’s security. At the other extreme, children can manipulate the vulnerabilities of an already strained relationship.

Triangulation occurs in three ways:

Custodial parent vs. noncustodial parent
Parents manipulating their significant other via the child
Child manipulating all parties involved to facilitate his or her will

In any case, this happens because of an absence of a mutual child-raising strategy. At times, triangulation is the result of a parent’s using a child as a weapon to impede a healthy relationship from being formed with the nonbiological parent. But typically, this is the result of either the child’s manipulating the custodial parent or one or both parents’ using the child as an excuse for hidden agendas. The best way to prevent this, or to minimize current damage, is to have an in-depth discussion about your parenting styles, disclose existent behavioural problems (including any developmental, emotional, or psychological conditions that may be contributing to family stress), and be honest concerning any child-parent issues. Engaging these conversations early can prevent a breakup, or in your case, put a stop to your remaining in or getting into a doomed relationship.

By D Ivan Young