Simple Divorce Advice

I see many clients in my office who are dealing with the pain of separation and divorce. Some are leaving their partners and others have been the ones left behind.

Whether you are the ‘dumper’ or the ‘dumpee’ in your  partnership – The ending of a committed relationship can hurt so much.

Even when the decision to leave a committed relationship has been well thought through, the journey is a painful one. And, for the one who has been left behind, it can be devastating as s/he is often a hundred steps behind the partner who is initiating the separation.   Denial (of the signs of relationship unrest or of the impact of the separation) has been unfortunately the coping mechanism of choice for many.

It is so important to take the time to navigate the divorce transition fully.  Successfully navigating the divorce transition process can be a life transforming experience.

Both parties in the separation/divorce process are usually at different emotional stages of readiness to move on….practically, emotionally and often financially.

There is no quick fix to separating or getting a divorce even if a new potential partner is sitting in the wings.

Simply put, divorce is pain. And, it highlights so many losses and so many raw emotions.  Each and every loss has to be identified and grieved prior to accepting the gains and the opportunities. Emotions have to be acknowledged and understood to properly move forward.  And, moving forward means letting go of the negatives.

Divorce is a major life transition and it is one that needs to be navigated thoroughly. I educate my clients to a 7-step transition process so that they clearly know where they are as they journey onwards.  It can take a minimum of 2 years to fully navigate the process even though they may have the divorce decree in their hands much sooner.

Most clients describe the early stages of the transition process as being in a state of ‘limbo’ or ‘no man’s land’. “It sucks!” is how one male client described it to me recently. There is no quick fix as the transition is all about process. It is about leaving your ‘old world’ which is very familiar to you and proceeding toward a ‘new world’ which is not clearly defined yet and filled with many unknowns. The place between both worlds is the Neutral Zone or “no ‘man’s land” ( limbo).

A transition is different to a change of circumstance because it involves the psychological component.  And, each transition is defined by the individual going through it.

Separation can put you on an emotional roller-coaster.  The life that you had no longer exists in the same way.  Feelings of hurt, failure, fear and anger may be just a few of the feelings that you experience.   You may also have feelings of relief and freedom especially if you are the one initiating the separation. However, the positives feelings are often experienced with the negative ones as well.

Seeking help from an experienced divorce counsellor/therapist can help you establish stability again in your life by developing a new structured routine.  Help from an experienced professional can guide you  to work through the varied emotions that you are feeling.  Such help will enable you to move forward at your own pace while making clear decisions toward seeking immediate goals that are best for you and your children.

Much work can happen in the counsellor’s office prior to or at the initial stages of seeking legal advice. Lawyers need facts not emotions. If you process your heavy emotions first (anger, depression, anxiety) so that you are emotionally sound then it is easier to meet with the lawyer knowing that you will be clear with your facts. It is also financially wiser as lawyers do not have to sift through or deal with your emotions to get to the facts.

Therefore dealing with your emotions first with a clinical counsellor skilled in separation and divorce will help you to begin to successfully navigate this major life transition.   If children are involved in the divorce, then they come first in this divorce process as their lives will be much easier if their parents have dealt with their emotions.

And, Yes, there is life after divorce.

Claire Sutton, M.A., RCC, CEAP

http://www.clairesutton.com/divorce-support/

See original: Divorce – It Is All About The Process

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