COPING WITH DIVORCE AND CHRISTMAS ADVICE TO GET YOU THROUGH.

Christmas is fast approaching. If you are just about to have a Christmas as a newly separated person then you may be feeling very down at the moment.

This may be the first Christmas without your children, your in-laws or a simple reminder of how life has changed. This is all very normal and will only get better when you realize that you can move on even at the holidays and change your expectations.

I am spending my first ever Christmas away from large crowds and three of my children. I have been divorced for years and have no problem with my ex or sharing Christmas but I have always had very full busy Christmas’s with full houses and parties to fill any emotional gaps.

This year I am sitting on a farm in the middle of one of the most beautiful valleys I’ve ever seen. It is just myself and my daughter. We have started making plans for our big day which includes very girly movies, pedicures and manicures, a rather large trip to the local fudge factory and sweet store.

It will be really strange for me not to have any of my three sons with me, one being in Melbourne and two in Sydney. I am apprehensive and a little sad but acknowledge that what I am really sad about is Christmas as it was when they were little and they were so excited for months.

It is the Christmas of their childhood, I really miss which of course is gone anyway. It is the Christmas I really liked to give them. I look with interest to this new Christmas with just my daughter and how we will make it special.

Cooking a turkey is out, I will end up having to eat it myself. We have been talking about the meals we will eat and have pretty much decided on Salmon risotto, not very interesting for most, but it is her favorite dish and I am usually too busy to make it. We will have blueberry pancakes for breakfast. So like every other Christmas we will be eating from morning to night just not the traditional foods.

Being divorced for me is often a lesson in change, the change of traditions, the start of new shared experiences and the wonder of my family and their love for me and each other. Being together is great but it does not mean I am not loved or they are not loved when we are not together.

The blame game is a serious problem in divorce and a really serious problem around any special day. Don’t fall for it, it is much easier to blame than to take responsibility. When you blame you get to sit on your back side contemplating what others have done to you and how others must fix it. When you take responsibility you acknowledge that it is up to you to make the decisions that will give you pleasure or pain.

Make the right decisions.

1. If you are without your children for the first time, plan your day/s carefully. Have breakfast with friends, lunch with family/friends and then a dinner with yet another group. You will be exhausted by bedtime and will have a day full of stories to tell your kids about instead of telling them you were lonely and alone which is really emotionally manipulative.
Do not be shy about calling people and asking them if you can join them for their meals, most people love to have extras at the Christmas meals. What other time of year is there always too much food?

2. If this is the first time you will have your children by yourself, then make it special. Your children maybe feeling sad or guilty so it is up to you to help them out.
Have the phone ready for a Merry Christmas call to their other parent first thing in the morning. And all day if necessary.
Do whatever you can to make the day special without being sad. For instance, do not try to take the place of your ex. If your ex makes a special breakfast DO NOT try to copy it. Tell the kids you are not going to try to make something so yummy as that because it is mum/dad’s thing. Do something else, make a new tradition, a new memory.
This is a new life you are all learning to live and making new exciting memories is a big part of it.
Again, try to keep the day full.

3. Do not ruin peoples Christmas with phone calls at inappropriate times, such as meal times or present giving times. You may not be part of the celebrations anymore but you can be respectful of them. Calling people especially your children because you are lonely and sad is selfish and meant to manipulate. The same goes for your in-laws or friends, if you want to wish people happy holidays do it in a card, or ring them the day before or the day after.

Enjoy your Christmas for what it is a day to remember how lucky we are. We get the chance to love and give love to others. If you are coping with a divorce and dealing with your first Christmas post divorce, my advice is to focus on giving instead of moping about your yesterdays. Fill your time, do not mention your divorce and allow yourself to enjoy every moment.

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