Emotional Etiquette – Can Intimacy Win Your Divorce?

by Samuel B Anderson
Emotional Etiquette - Can Intimacy Win Your Divorce?
Knowing when and when not to say hurtful things to people is taught to us at a very young age. We would never dream of telling a colleague that their new hair piece looked stupid, or insipidly comment that your child’s teacher need rethink their attitude, or blatantly tell the local shop keeper that you think they are stupid and to grow a brain. No, because we are trained to be polite and to be mindful of other people’s feelings.

What happens when we get married? Emotional Etiquette flies out the window and the wonder of an intimate relationship somehow allows us leeway to say any hurtful thing that could possibly manipulate a given situation for a more favourable outcome. It’s OK; you can always kiss and make up later.

But now you are no longer married and the rules are different so you need to learn to reign in the nasties and use your emotional etiquette to establish a new relationship even if it is only to get through the divorce proceedings.

Etiquette is god manners. I was watching a documentary the other day on about a man who at one stage was invited to eat lunch with the Queen of England. He was placed next to her and in the interview he said something along the lines of ‘I have never been so grateful that my mother taught me good table manners’. That would be table etiquette.

We learn emotional etiquette from our parents and family, from the school yard and from life. We learn very quickly what is and is not acceptable to say in public and not to offend strangers, friends, colleagues or acquaintances as there is an emotional backlash that can hurt us.

It seems the closer we get to another person the less need for etiquette, when we live with a partner we tend to be less mannered, it is a case of you both having witnessed the others intimate habits and maybe less than civilised private thoughts. We simply get complacent.

Now you are no longer together, it is no longer acceptable for you to be intimate with your ex. This is where your training in emotional etiquette comes in. You must decide the relationship you need to have with your ex to get through the divorce and if necessary the future if you share children. It is up to you to decide this and then start to treat your ex in this manner. Do not expect to be treated well back, at least at first, as you will have to train both yourself and your ex as to what is now acceptable.

How Do You Get The Emotional Etiquette Right?

1. Always be polite and expect politeness in return. If you do not get politeness, then quickly and with a sense of authority cease the conversation or communication. It is a simple matter of ‘Ex I am sorry I will not continue this conversation now since you have been rude to me’ or ‘Ex I understand you are upset but this is not getting us anywhere so I will hang up now. Goodbye’ Then leave, hang up, stop texting, whatever. If you do this enough and consistently, your ex has no recourse but to also change his/her emotional etiquette toward you because the old way no longer works.

2. Remember there is a time and place for everything, if you want to tell a colleague they have bad breath you would not do it in a board meeting, you would embarrass your colleague, everyone else in the meeting and make yourself look really awful. It is harder in emotional situations to reign in what is upsetting you, especially as you are used to being able to talk to this person when and how you like. But that is over now and new rules apply. View every contact as a board meeting if there are other people present and do not bring up inappropriate subjects.

3. Emotional etiquette also encompasses the ‘do not hurt anyone unnecessarily’ part of etiquette. You have the power to hurt your ex because you are privy to his/her inner secrets and know the buttons to push to hurt the most. To hurt someone else for the sake of hurting them is just plain mean. You may be hurting, angry, sad, bitter, scared and want to strike out at the person you feel is responsible. If you do this will it make you feel better or will it turn things into an uglier situation than it is already? Your feelings are your own and you will not suddenly feel safe and happy because you have wounded your ex, more than likely you will feel worse as you are driving a bigger wedge between you.

Emotional etiquette is a tool we all develop early in our lives, we innately know how to be kind to others and we know the results of being mean. In divorce it is often difficult to turn on the emotional etiquette and turn off the emotional vitriol. Take the emotions off the agenda to protect both yourself and your ex in the divorce process and your future.

By Samuel B. Anderson, Divorce Mentor and Coach
Author of Win Your Divorce – The Ultimate Workbook which is available for immediate download through the internets most trusted carrier. For more information on the workbook read what Samuel has to say or simple buy here.