Simple Divorce Advice

If you remember being in love with your partner while dating, feeling cared for and respected during the courtship, you also might remember the sense of security and calm that came over you when you got married.  It was settled.  You were together, forever.  It makes sense that the simple act of getting married settled something within you.  Being married solves all kinds of existential dilemmas.  It provides the answers for several of the Life’s Big Questions like —

*Who am I?  “I am my husband’s wife.”  –Or, “I am my wife’s husband.”

*What is my purpose?  “My purpose is to provide love and support to my spouse.”

*Why am I here?  “I am here to be in a committed relationship.”

*What happens when I die?  “My spouse will arrange a memorial, will grieve, and will remember me.”

*What is the meaning of life?  “Life is meant to be shared as a couple.”

*What is Happiness?  “Togetherness equals happiness.  We will be happy in life together.”

Being divorced throws those simple, tidy answers back up into the air, because they no longer fit.  For awhile, chaos, uncertainty, and confusion ensue.  Larger issues such as Identity, Purpose, and Meaning swirl, break apart, and reconfigure.  As the marriage splits up, each person (even the spouse who initiated the divorce) is faced with the problem of generating new answers to those old questions.  Many people don’t even realize that they ever asked or answered those big questions in the first place, but in fact – they did.  A general sense of anxiety is the first clue that existential dilemmas have cropped up and will need attention.

If you are going through a divorce or have recently become divorced, you can manage anxiety and confusion by starting your own log of those larger questions and begin to make some attempts at answering them.  With clients who are ready to tackle the existential aspect of divorce, I ask them to create two logs, one with the old answers and a second log with new answers.  Their logs often look something like this:

OLD LIST:

*Who was I?  I was a spouse.

*What was my purpose?  My purpose was to be there for my spouse.

*Why was I here?  I was here to be married, to be a good marriage partner, and to support my spouse.

*What did I think would happen when I die?  My spouse would arrange my funeral and would carry me in his heart.

*What was the meaning of life?  Life was meant to be a shared experience of love and of family activities. 

*What was Happiness?  Happiness, to me, was cooking for my husband, playing golf together, and waking up next to the man I loved.

NEW LIST:

*Who am I?  I am a warm-hearted person who wants to be a successful friend, mom, and employee.

*What is my purpose?  My purpose is to be a loving parent, a loyal friend, and a dedicated worker.

*Why am I here?  I am here to contribute to my family, to my community, and to the world.

*What happens when I die?  I don’t know for sure, but I hope I will be remembered by those who cared about me.

*What is the meaning of life?  Life is meant to teach us lessons about living — through joy, struggle, and grace. 

*What is Happiness?  Peace equals happiness.  I will be happy when I know I have been my best self, offered compassion to others, and behaved with consideration and kindness.

Notice how the second set of answers provides a more open mindset.  Many clients experience pain and sadness during a divorce, but they also report a new liberty which inspires them to redefine themselves and their lives in a broader way.  The divorce provides a launch-pad for change far beyond the altered marital status.  It is not easy to look at your divorce as an opportunity for growth, but that is exactly what it is.

—Pamela Milam is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Certified Coach in Dallas, Texas.  She currently is completing a book entitled, What Your Therapist Really Thinks About You.  She has co-authored a workbook with Nathaniel Smith, LPC, entitled, Taming Your Temper:  A Workbook for Individuals, Couples, and Groups.  You can find Pamela at:  http://www.dfwcounselor.com/index.html

View original post: After Your Divorce: Answering Life’s Big Questions

Popularity: 3% [

If you’re new here, you may want to subscribe to my RSS feed. Thanks for visiting!