Simple Divorce Advice

By Victoria L. Morgan

The most important people at the mediation table are the people who are NOT at the mediation table, namely, the children. Mediation is a tool to assist the parents in working out the custody, visitation and child support issues between themselves. The courts would prefer the parents to work out these issues since the parents know their schedules and those of the children. If the parents can put their personal feelings aside and work out the particulars it is much better for everyone involved, especially the children. In many areas, once a mediation agreement is reviewed and executed by the judge it becomes an Order of the Court just as if he had handed down the decision from the bench.

Children are the victims of adult relationships that don’t work. Many times children tend to ask themselves, “what did I do wrong”, “what if I had been a better kid”, “what if I hadn’t needed so much”, and their questions go on and on.

We as adults know the fight between mom and dad is their own argument and not the children’s; however, it is hard to get that point across to the children. It is up to the parents to talk with the children as candidly as possible explaining, on the children’s level” what they can understand about the situation. Let them know this is not about THEM but about you, the parents.

The children are the casualities of our wars. They are fearful and have questions such as, “Who is going to take care of me? Where am I going to live? Do I have to move away from my friends? Do I get to see my grandparents again and visit with them? What house is Santa going to come to?” These are as important questions to them as much as our adult questions are to us.

It is important for the parents to put their feelings aside and talk with the children together to ensure them that they are still the most important person(s) in their lives and to let them know they will both be there for them. You as parents must be the children’s support team. It will make a big difference in how they handle this situation.

If they see you as a team despite your differences they know they will be limited as to the “games” they will play with you against the other. I continually hear from parents that “our children will not play games between us”, I assure you they will. They are children and they have tunnel vision. The problem lies within us that we as adults while going through these changes also tend to have tunnel vision. So not only do they see it about them, the adults see it about themselves and no one is being objective. This is the time that we must take ourselves back to remember how we thought about things when we were their age.

I remember as one of twenty-two grandchildren I knew my grandmother’s yard was gigantic. I went back as an adult and realized it was a little more than what people term as “a postage stamp”. The point being that children see things in a much different perspective and we must be able to relate to the problems and situation as they are seeing it. They look to the parents to provide for them and now that stability is gone. They must feel they are loved by each parent, that they are the most important thing throughout all of this transition period.

As a mediator, more often than not, I hear the phrase “I want the child(ren) —– to —– -“, please try to remember it should be what is best for them. The agreements should always be with the best interest of the children in mind. If we as parents are a little inconvenienced, so be it. Our responsibility is to our children. Putting their best interest first will make a tremendous difference during their “adjustment” period.

Go to the mediation conference in good faith. It is your opportunity to make things better for the children during a very difficult time for them.

Victoria L. Morgan is a juvenile and domestic relations court mediator certified through the Supreme Court of Virginia. She is a domestic violence survivor and actively works with domestic violence organizations in her area to assist the victims in beginning a new life without fear. She is also a Parenting Class instructor for the Commonwealth of Virginia.

Originally posted: Children And Mediation – What Is Best For Them

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