Simple Divorce Advice

When it comes to conflict between separated and divorced parents, poor communication is usually at the heart of the problem. If you didn’t communicate well when you were together, the chances of doing so now are slim. Uncertainty and its accompanying fears and concerns, especially pertaining to the well-being of the children, make positive interaction all the more difficult. For the two of you to develop good communication skills now may seem like an insurmountable obstacle, but I’ve seen people do it.

Communication Do’s

• Voluntarily share information about your children by providing copies of notices from school, information about upcoming events, and accomplishments of the children. This includes information about extracurricular activities and sports.
• Purchase a fax machine as well as a photocopier or scanner to make it easier to share information. This may sound like a big purchase, but it’s less expensive than a couple of phone calls to your lawyer complaining about communication issues.
• Make a “parent to parent” folder that can travel back and forth between homes and to and from school. Keep adult issues and concerns in sealed envelopes.
• If face-to-face or telephone conversations between parents is especially problematic, try e-mail, letters, or a family website or blog.
• Always act businesslike in communicating with the other parent. Remember, you are in the business of parenting! If you wouldn’t speak that way to a business associate, then don’t speak that way to the other parent. It is a simple fact of life that we all occasionally have to deal with people we don’t especially care for or respect. Deal with it.
• Never send a letter or an e-mail that you wrote while you were angry.
• When communicating by letter or in any writing, don’t resort to inflammatory remarks or “fighting words.” Do several draft letters and proofread the final one, again.
• Acknowledge the other parent’s good deeds or acts of kindness, no matter how small. By “rewarding” good behavior, you are likely to see more of it.
• Set up certain times to talk; in other words, make phone appointments. Try to arrange a time when neither parent will be distracted or interrupted and make sure that the children are not within earshot.
• Resolve one issue at a time and then end the conversation. Do not move beyond the issue at hand because sooner or later an issue will come up that will end in an argument or an unproductive manner. It is best to hang up on a good note after resolving an issue. Adhering to this practice builds positive momentum for future talks and resolution of issues.
• Calling while in the car or on a cell phone can have certain benefits. If things are getting heated or you become too nervous or uncomfortable, you can always say, “I am sorry, you’re breaking up. I’ll call you later” or try “Can you hear me now?” This is an easy out if you need to regroup or if you are losing momentum in the conversation.
• Keep an organized log or binder of all communication between parents for future reference, if needed.
• Avoid hot topics and sarcasm (yeah, right).
• Have an agenda and stick to it. Stay focused on what you want to accomplish or discuss.
• Try tape recording your end of the conversation and listen to it later to see how you could have been a more effective listener or communicator. The purpose here is to listen to your- self; you don’t even need to record your ex’s end of the conversation.

Communication Don’ts

• Don’t provide opportunities for disagreement; if the time, place, or manner is not appropriate, exercise your right to remain silent.
• Don’t always have the last word.
• Don’t place emphasis on the other parent.
• Don’t engage in general conversation, other than superficial pleasantries, such as hello and good-bye.
• Don’t resort to name calling, insults, dirty looks, or inappropriate gestures. (Here’s a tip: the reverse middle finger extension should be avoided when non-verbal communication is utilized.)

From occasional blaming and bad-mouthing to full-fledged brainwashing, there is a whole continuum of inappropriate behaviour that parents often play out at the expense of their children’s mental well-being. If you are behaving in such a fashion, STOP!

Borrowed from the widely acclaimed and award winning book, Stop Fighting over the Kids: Resolving Day-to-Day Custody Conflict in Divorce Situations, with permission of the author, Mike Mastracci  See what the experts have to say about Stop Fighting Over the Kids  www.stopfightingoverthekids.com  and visit Mike’s Family Law Blog:  www.DivorceWithoutDishonor.com

View original: The Do’s and Don’ts of Communication in Divorce

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