Taking Time For the Divorce

Taking Time For the Divorce By Dominique Walmsley

Is it time to deal with emotions and important decisions, and time for divorcing partners and children (and even family and friends) to integrate the changes.

At the starting gate of the divorce process, people have already been through a lot. One of the most disappointing aspects is the length of time it takes, even after that seemingly exhausting and painful choice has been made, to complete the process. It would be better if people knew that they could anticipated a long road ahead, especially when the marriage has been decades long, and they have children.

The couple finds itself holding the reins, and yet each person feels least equipped to do so, given the emotional and cognitive overwhelm, the grief, and the complexity of financial and domestic decisions.

One solution to this is to take the process slowly. It might seem like a good idea to “get it over with!” However, the decisions are really important, and all the factors might not be readily visible. For example, it might seem like the home should be sold, when considering the division of the finances, but, when thinking about the attachment of the children to the neighbourhood, their school, and their friends, or even the babysitter/ grandma living across the street, keeping the home proves to be a better solution. The anger and resentment between the parents might need time to simmer down, to be nurtured and soothed, and to be understood, before such a tailor-made solution can be considered and discussed.

There are several ways to extend the process. A temporary plan for the residential schedule for the children can be made. Then, living apart, each person in the couple can begin to think about his or her life, after divorce, perhaps going to therapy, or attending a class about divorce, or reading some books to become more informed.

The process could also be started with the lawyers or mediator, or collaborative divorce team, and then extended, by spreading out the meetings, and considering classes or books or other resources. There might be a support group in the neighbourhood, and, even if it is for those already divorced, attending it might give good information on what to expect.

Alternatively, parents might move into separate bedrooms in the home, and split up the days and evenings, into Parent1’s day and Parent2’s day. Meanwhile, on the off-days from parent duties, there will be time to read or attend a support group, or meeting with a friend who is divorced.

One of the major reasons for speeding through the divorce is to get rid of the painful feelings, and the spouse who no longer communicates civilly, kindly, or sensibly. Almost everyone has experienced wanting something NOW, when getting it didn’t prove to be good after all. Anyone remember the toddler years, or the teens?

To be more compassionate about the stress that accompanies the break-up that you never thought would happen to you, I want to talk about the emotions that are the cause of the pain. They are justified, since, considering that we are as much unique creations, as we are merely creatures, divorce is a seemingly life-threatening event. The life as the couple knew it, is over, and the life-sustaining supports are severely threatened. The physical system, which is the body and its emotions and hormones, rebels. There is little knowledge of what the aftermath will be like, and therefore it cannot easily be used as comfort. Who knows if there will ever be another partner, to share the pleasurable moments, the financial stresses, or the decisions about the children? Emotions will be more extreme than usual. Outsiders are often of little support, being judgmental about the assumption that life will be better when divorced. Emotions need to be considered intentionally, and attended to by taking the time needed to soothe, distract, and understand. Divorce is a ripping apart of a most fundamental life support and structure of meaning, and it is like no other experience. Even the lead-up to the decision to divorce, though difficult, does not have the added layer of needing to make decisions. Those decisions are with the person whom you are least able to engage safely at that time, and who, in some sense, you are attached to, dare I say, love.

When considering marriage, common sense, and advice from family, tends to be strong on taking time to decide, and to go to pre-marital counseling, as well as much talk among friends. Divorce does not have these culturally acceptable, supportive and informative rituals, but, in the big picture, and the lives of precious children, as well as energy challenged adults, time might provide equally useful considerations for the future of the transforming family.

Dominique is a couple therapist, and also works in collaborative law, as a child specialist and divorce coach. She lives and works in Seattle, and has co-parenting groups to support people in their process at various stages. She has an underlying belief that all people can have relationships, and that they are hard-wired to do so. Destroying a long term relationship makes less sense than adjusting and altering it, as many couples have done through respectful divorces.

Dominique Walmsley, MA, LMHC, Seattle

http://www.seattlemindcounseling.com