Simple Divorce Advice

How can you stop the arguments over your children’s personal property? Keeping these three truths in mind should help a bit:

1. Recognize that these items do belong to your children — not to you.

2. Remember that it is not your children’s fault that they have to shuffle between parental houses.

3. Help your children to regard both places as “home.”

Stuff Dos

• If possible, buy at least two of most things to limit the back and forth issues. While the extra expense may seem nonsensical, it is less stressful, more practical, and it can still be much less expensive than fighting over the return of stuff, especially if lawyers are involved.
• For common stuff — including basic clothes — try not to worry about what comes back and what doesn’t. The clothes are not yours. As long as the children get to wear them, it really won’t matter where they are “housed.” Really, it won’t.
• Try to exchange things in ways that do not regularly involve your children lugging things back and forth.
• Every so often you can arrange pick-up and delivery of large amounts of stuff. Consider occasionally mailing items or using a delivery service; another option is to drop off stuff at the other parent’s place of employment or some other agreed upon location, outside of the presence of the children.
• Make exchanges in the parking lot at sports events or other activities. This way things can be transferred from vehicle to vehicle from parent to parent, or by designee, rather than always through the children.
• Designate a special place in each house, such as a box or a basket, to hold things that should go back and forth. This is helpful in limiting the seemingly never-ending search for stuff.
• Recognize that school uniforms, sports uniforms, and special clothing require extra attention and planning. Spares are helpful. Keep an extra uniform in your vehicle for that inevitable special delivery call.
• Avoid having your children lug an overnight bag or other extra stuff to and from school whenever possible. While children of separation and divorce are far more numerous and less stigmatized than in years past, why bring attention to the situation? Students have enough stuff to lug around at school these days. Lugging more stuff simply leaves more opportunity for things to get lost or left behind.
• If you believe a delayed return of a particular item to the other house will be a problem with the other parent, see that it returns in a timely manner. If it’s a clothing item, return it laundered.
• For children’s birthdays and gift-giving holidays, like Christmas and Hanukkah, communicate directly with each other about what you’re purchasing. Try hard to make some joint gift giving occur.

Stuff Don’ts

• While children need to be taught responsibility for their things, you should not nag your children about where “this” or “that” is located.
• Do not resort to putting labels on clothes and identifying things as “mom’s” or “dad’s.”
• Don’t allow your child to feel like a “bag lady” by constantly having to carry around her stuff.
• Don’t try to “show up” the other parent by always buying extravagant items or spoiling the children, especially if there is significant economic disparity between parents.
• Don’t even think of keeping score of who bought what and what did and did not get “returned” to “your” house or the other house.
• Don’t use your children’s stuff as your free pass to keep tensions alive with the other parent.
• Do not rely on the other parent to provide you with anything. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best.
• When the children are anywhere within earshot, do not talk about your lack of money or the other parent’s spending habits. Children always need stuff. Their shoes wear out and they grow out of clothes and jackets; none of that has anything to do with your divorce or separation.

View original: Stuff – The Cause Of Battles In Divorce

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