The 7 Stages of Divorce - Part 1 | Simple Divorce Advice

PANIC is an intense case of fear. During moments of trepidation, it is normal to experience the “fight or flight” impulse. Even if it is correct to escape at one moment; it may be right to fight later; or vice-versa. Panic arises when you are so scared that the fear spirals out of control and you cannot recuperate your footing. When you are floundering, when the waves are coming in too fast for you to surface and breathe, you may PANIC. When you are at risk of drowning lifeguard training and knowledge of the tides and undertow may save you.

Otherwise, you may drown; a “Divorce Education” is equally necessary during divorce. If you have been divorced before, you may believe that you understand your current position and may remain in STAGE II, DENIAL. Then one day you notice something you had not observed before and you reach PANIC. If you have never experienced divorce, the word itself may bring on a PANIC spell. One challenging characteristic of divorce is that the word is an abhorrence; like the name of a incurable disease. When you hear that a friend is divorcing, what is your reply? In almost every case, just hearing the word divorce inspires terror or PANIC. One week after my separation in 1998 I met my best friend’s sister-in-law at a party. When I said I was separated and divorcing, she backed away from me and vanished; I never saw her again. Such is one result of the word “divorce”, as if the condition were transmittable. Friends and relatives who will not help you are the least of your challenges as others who form new troubles for you must first be recognized and then avoided.

When you feel endangered; telling yourself a story about your possible breakdown or the “collapse of the family”, how can you bring yourself back to Peace? Dr. Frank Zizzo calls Panic “fear of the fear”. Zizzo advises, “Live in the present and trust that when the future becomes the present you will find strength from within and without. Fear of the Fear is the ultimate point of any fear. The act of needing is the act of abandoning yourself. If you chase anything in desperate need, you are abandoning yourself. The more “needy” you become, the more you chase a fantasy that can never be a reality. This is the pattern for people who use those they love to set themselves up to fail. Whatever you run from will go after you and eventually stand in front of you. The reality is that we can find assurance from fear, and meaning for the most complicated moments of our lives is what opens the door to the infinite. We can love ourselves and therefore accept love from others. We are not controlled by our need to be in control. We realize that we have the Power to describe ourselves and the strength to allow others to love us for whom we really are. Love without respect is disorder. Love without peace is anguish. Each of us gets to choose our path.”

PANIC PARTNERSHIPS

“Anxiety produces chemical changes that the body grows used to, and addiction to {anxiety| unease} in its various manifestations is perhaps the most common of all addictions.” from The Little Book of Letting Go by Hugh Prather.

PANIC may be unlike for a wife or for a husband. When the biological clock ticks for a man it’s chiming for his life expectancy; for women the only deadline is child-bearing. Some marriages are based on a platform of PANIC triggered by “fear of abandonment” and you may choose a partner who you believe will never leave you. According to clinical psychotherapist, Frank Zizzo, Ph.D., adults cannot be deserted. “We experience a fright of the Fear which is Panic. Fear of the fear is the ultimate extent of any fear but it cannot be a stopping place.

PANIC may accompany any new life experience, of which one of the most complex is divorce. According to the Holmes Schedule of Stressful Events, divorce is #2. Terror and thoughts of abandonment may return every day when you first separate from your spouse. For some partners, however, fear may remain concealed, either to surface later or to appear years from now during the next relationship. Your own divorce may include leaving the family home, finding a job, coping with time away from your children, facing an empty apartment at night and spending weekends alone. Each of these changes in routine may trigger PANIC. Sometimes, even if divorce is a welcome release from years of pain, you may still feel worried every morning, until you learn to let go of the past and of your self-critical thoughts using trainings such as Nonviolent Communication SM, Herrmann Brain Dominance™ or The 4 Questions of Inquiry. Taking one deep yoga breath and releasing it and taking another and another and releasing them moment by moment may be the only way to function at the beginning unless you learn new skills. Sometimes, there is horror inspired by any change whether in health, finance, home life or safety and that is normal. When you understand that certain emotional and physical symptoms are often experienced during divorce, that single realization may lessen PANIC. Most divorcing couples will have a decrease in these symptoms within the first few months, as they become adept at handling new situations and making new choices. Do you understand that it will be your new thinking as a result of new skills that can transform your well- being?

Excerpt from: The 7 Stages of Divorce – Part 1