Simple Divorce Advice

In my 20 years in the field, I have heard a lot about separation and divorce.  As a therapist, my views aside, I act on behalf of my clients.  Most of the time, couples will come in hoping to save the marriage.  Of course, I am happy to help.  There have been times though, I am glad to say, where the partners come in hoping to separate but in the best possible way.  Now I love this.  Here are two people, who perhaps have tried everything they know and still have come to the conclusion they can work together as parents.  Wonderful. Just wonderful.

You see, even if our own role as partners in a marriage changes, our role as parents can and will be ever present if we are willing to do what it takes and remember that role.  Too often though parents going (or who have gone) through a divorce maintain their hurt and/or anger towards their ex.  Face it.  We all hear the horror stories.  Whether in our own lives, relative’s lives, on t.v., movies, etc., we have all heard how the pain that existed in the marriage continues to be acted out today.

The neat thing is I have seen the light.  I have seen relationships thrive as parents, even if the couple or marriage ends.  First, we have to deal with our own pain.  Get the support you need to deal with the loss.  Talk about it.  Reach out to family and friends.  Bend other’s ears if you need to and please consider therapy.  This is a wonderful forum to go deeper into what is going on for you, look at patterns of behavior, and so forth.  There are so many different ways to get help. Please know you are entitled to support as well.

Keep strong the mantra of being the best parent you can be and remind yourself of how much your child needs you through this scary and confusing time when even we as parents won’t have all the answers; our children will have even less.  Take stock in everything that is going well – every single thing.  Remind yourself of the good effort you put in every day, including all the basics: getting them up for school, making breakfast, chores, homework, etc.

Sit down with your ex and share how you see yourself as a parent and what your hopes are for yourself in moving forward.  Then ask for his or her hopes. Share any limitations you may have or struggle with, such as bed time routines, helping with homework, etc., and ask for their ideas.  Believe in the moment that regardless of the past / current issues, you may struggle with in dealing with your ex, you are going to move ahead and here you modeling a willingness to do so.  Ask how you may be able to best help them if they are willing to take this support as, let’s face it, they are going to need it too.  Keep your guard down, a bit of a risk I’m sure.  Show them there is no jab or left-cross coming here.

And how are you talking with the kids?  Listen, you are going to have issues with your ex.  That is between the two of you though.  Keep that away from the kids.  Around your children, your ex is just as concerned about the children as you are and this is what we are modeling and projecting to the kids; everything is alright.  For those things that still need to be addressed, work on them behind the scenes with your ex, or process in therapy, etc.,.  You will get through this – whatever “this” is.  Believe in yourself and make it happen.  Good luck!

Stuart A. Kaplowitz, MFT
http://fwd4.me/Cku

Source: Put The Children First – Decide On A Good Divorce

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