How To Handle The Peanut Gallery in Divorce

How To Handle The Peanut Gallery in Divorce Separation and divorce are by no means simply private matters. It is more than likely that somebody you know has reportedly been screwed by a former spouse, a biased judge, an incompetent lawyer, or any combination thereof. The stories about who said what, who did what, and who got what are as similar and as unique as the people who listen to them. Surely you know someone who has been through an ugly divorce.

When parties separate, everyone seems to have an opinion. Gossip and rumours will run rampant upon the separation of even the most likely of couples to part company. When the otherwise “perfect couple” forgets “until death do us part,” loyalty conflicts may be even more likely to arise among family and friends. Worse yet, everyone will share their opinions and advice whether requested or not.

Wanna-be lawyers and even many licensed attorneys are quick

to “advise” potential litigants how to jockey for position, whether by hiding money and assets, dictating the type and frequency of child visitation “to allow,” or in taking one to the proverbial cleaners. Who should you listen to? Will what worked for this one or that one work for you? How can you prove your case? Who will testify on your behalf? Will you have to go to court? For what? When? How? Why?

Everyone who has ever come into contact with either of the estranged parties is a potential witness. Some will promise to gladly testify about first-hand observations of the couple when they were “together.” The desire to produce adverse testimony will likely include “reluctant witnesses” too. Those who say that they do not want to get involved may be served a subpoena to come to court to testify about the behaviour, activities, or some dastardly allegations of at least one of the parties.

The attacks are usually well plotted and planned. However, even those who want to come to your aid will likely not say what you think they will say when they are in the hot seat. The witness chair is an intimidating place to be. More often than not, even the most favourably biased witnesses will overcompensate by trying to appear fair and impartial. The witnesses that go out of their way to “bury” the other side are usually just discounted as being too aligned with one of the parties. In general, your witnesses are expected to praise you and to trash the other party, either directly or indirectly. This is no secret, and trust me — the judges have figured this out too! So trust me on this too: it is far better to accentuate your positive parenting than to constantly attack and demean the other side.

Separation and divorce undoubtedly redefine the nature of one’s associations, not only with his or her former spouse and children, but often with other family members, friends, associates, acquaintances, and with people in general. When people are in the midst of moderate to high levels of separation anxiety and stress is high, everyone who interacts with them can feel the tension. If you know anyone currently in the midst of an ugly divorce, you may have already come to realize that those issues are all that this person can talk about. It is consuming.

It is no great revelation that there is much negativity associated with people going through adult separation anxiety. Harness that negative drive and focus it on proactive and productive endeavours. If you won’t do it for yourself, you need to do it for your children. They are like sponges. They absorb our outward expressions whether we recognize it or not. Parents surrounded by negativity are not nearly as effective at parenting as their children require and deserve.

Borrowed from the widely acclaimed and award winning book, Stop Fighting over the Kids: Resolving Day-to-Day Custody Conflict in Divorce Situations, with permission of the author, Mike Mastracci See what the experts have to say about Stop Fighting Over the Kids www.stopfightingoverthekids.com and visit Mike’s Family Law Blog: www.DivorceWithoutDishonor.com