Simple Divorce Advice

Anyone who is going through or who has gone through a divorce knows that it is one of the most stressful life experiences we can have. Some divorces may be amicable, but it is the rare divorce that does not cause great emotional upheaval.

For the person who did not choose the divorce (and possibly for both people) everything feels shattered. Your everyday life. Your home. Your children. You may feel as though your right arm is missing. You may feel rocked to the very core of your being. If infidelity or another kind of betrayal was involved, you may feel stupid for missing the obvious signs. You may wonder how you could have misjudged your mate so badly, and feel embarrassed or humiliated.

This list of devastating feelings could go on and on. It is important to honour your feelings whatever they may be. You are grieving, and this is a process that takes time. Much like grieving the death of a loved one, there is not one way to grieve, and there is no arbitrary time period that elapses before you feel better.

There are many ways to get emotional support during this time. You may reach out to friends and family. You may join a support group for divorced people where you can share your feelings with others experiencing the same life event. You may prefer to see a therapist to help you focus on personal issues.

Eventually the worst of the pain subsides. It is time to pick up the pieces and move on with your life. However, there is an obvious void in your life where your husband or wife once was. You have to figure out how to get the tasks done that were your partner’s responsibility. However, there is probably an even bigger void or life change–your social life.

This change can occur in many ways. You may have had mostly “couple friends.” Now, these friends may be uncomfortable around you, or you may feel like a third wheel if you do spend time with them. Even during the time leading up to your divorce, your partner probably went to the movies or dinner with you and was your automatic date for weddings, parties or family functions. If you have been part of a couple for a long time, you may have few, if any single, friends.

Even if you are fortunate enough to have a large supportive family and/or many friends, there are positives to stretching beyond your comfort zone, growing, changing, bringing new hobbies, experiences and people into your life. Many people reconnect with long lost parts of themselves and blossom after divorce.

The task of starting a new life and making new friends may feel daunting, especially if you are shy or introverted. However, the rewards will be great. Here are some suggestions:

1) Start with people at work. Maybe a group goes out after work, and you have never joined in. You automatically have something in common with your co-workers..

2) If you have children, there may be parents of their friends whom you like, but have never connected with beyond your children’s events.

3) Parents without Partners offers chapters throughout the country and offers family, educational and social activities for single parents.

4) Churches and temples often offer social activities.

5) Local colleges often offer non-credit courses for adults. Maybe this is the time to finish that degree.

6) The Internet is a wonderful resource to find like-minded people. One website is meetup.com. You can search for nearby groups for any interest that you may have. Many people attend alone because the whole idea is to meet others.

7) There are travel companies who specialize in single travellers. Many will match you with a roommate if you wish.

Divorce is traumatic, but the aftermath does not have to be lonely. There is a big world out there, and— some day you will be ready to date which is a whole other subject.

Elise Kaplan, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

www.therapyelise.com

therapyelise@sbcglobal.net

View original: Don’t Go it Alone – Getting Help With Divorce

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