Simple Divorce Advice

Divorce is a time of heightened emotions. It is rare that marriages end with dignity and care. Most marriages end with anger, hurt, resentments and broken heartedness. Those feelings lead to the ugly divorce where emotional baggage gets entangled in the practical separation process which is the legal divorce. It does nobody any good and often complicates straight forward processes.

People all cope with stress in different ways, some internalise it, others need to talk, people get aggressive when sad or guilt can rule every decision. How do you cope with stress? This is the fundamental question you need to ask yourself right now to make sure you do not make your divorce any more difficult than it already is.

You cannot control how your ex behaves at this time but you can control how you do. You can choose not to engage in the button pushing, the tit for tat antics and the aggressive communication. You can choose to step back and deal with the divorce as a separate issue to the emotional separation which will take time to heal. It is the emotional separation that causes the pain, the loss of a planned future, the loss of the known and the loss of the intimacy that is shared by a couple. It is rare that indifference plays any role in emotional separation if it did divorce would be more like negotiating a business deal with a stranger with no emotional involvement.

One thing to keep top of mind at this time is your spouse is probably experiencing many of the same emotions as you are whether they initiated the divorce or not. The breakdown of a marriage can feel like an enormous failure and blame is often the first stage of coming to grips with it. Blame has usually reared its ugly head a long time before the marriage ends, couples blame each other for their unhappiness, lack of communication, lack of sex, lack of companionship, lack of money, lack of practically everything. Blame is easier to cope with than responsibility for problems in the marriage which should have been sorted as they arose.

If you find yourself reacting to your ex’s taunts, actions, communications, legal dealings or parenting skills. STOP. Take a step back and look at your behaviour. Your ex knows exactly what the taunt or action will produce, usually there has been years of practice behind any button pushing. NOW is the time to NOT take the bait, to not join in the habitual scenarios put in place in your marriage.

It is also the time to change the way you communicate with your ex. Do not push buttons yourself, make unreasonable demands or be unkind and unforgiving. An example, if you are expecting your ex to drop off your children and they are late, do not go in for the attack, instead, think to yourself how you would react to practically any other person who was late bringing your children home. Would you get angry or would you forgive them because they are notoriously late, traffic was bad, weather was horrendous, had been to somewhere special, etc.  Behave toward your ex as you would toward anyone else in these sorts of circumstances.

Changing your attitude and learning to take a step back can change the way you both communicate. If you do not join in with the normal retorts and jibes then it makes your ex’s jibes and retorts mute as they no longer have the desired effect. Without you joining in the button pushing does not work and will need to be replaced by more effective communication that does. If the only communication you react to is polite and well-meaning then at some stage your ex will have to learn how to do this if they want any communication at all.

Learning not to react can be tricky, the first lesson is to understand that it is not necessary to answer straight away unless it is an emergency. Learn to say, ‘thanks, I’ll get back to you’ or ‘Can I ring/email/text/you with that later’ or ‘please I will need a couple of days to think about that’. Never be rude, never make snap decisions, go away and think about what your ex is asking and what is really best. If there happen to be a couple of points you agree with then say so, if there are worrying points communicate them, do not be rigid in your responses, be open to negotiation and eventual agreement.

Your divorce will more than likely be a tumultuous time with your emotions running wild. These can cause more problems than necessary which will only hurt you, your family and your bank balance. Now is the time to start behaving in a way where you have control of the situation and will be proud of your actions.

You can find out more about Nicola Baume at her website, http://www.baumeandco.com.au for divorce coaching and planning.

View original post: Dealing With Divorce – How Do You Cope?

Popularity: 2% [

If you’re new here, you may want to subscribe to my RSS feed. Thanks for visiting!