10 Rules for Successful Coping during the Divorce Process

10 Rules for Successful Coping during the Divorce Process If you and your spouse are divorcing, it is common to feel unsettled, upset, and adrift. The swirl of emotions can include sadness, rage, jealousy, numbness, and anxiety. As you work to manage these feelings, remember the following ten rules for successful coping during the divorce process:

1. Seek out friends for support.

Your friends care about you. They want to know how you are doing. If you remain stoic and secretive, they are not able to assist you when you need it most. Find a comfortable balance by being as open as you can while still maintaining your own basic privacy.

2. Talk about your feelings with supportive family members.

If you have at least one supportive family member, call him or her. Let that person know what is happening and convey that you might need some extra support for a period of time. Tell your family member what might help: An extra phone call once a week, a few more lunch-visits, a casserole to put in the fridge so you’ll have more time with the children, a temporary baby-sitter, a shoulder to cry on, or just an occasional walk together around the block. Be specific so that the other person will know what kind of help you need.

3. Remember to talk about other subjects beyond your divorce.

Whether you are talking with friends or family members, keep in mind that talking is good – but ranting and being hyper-focused on revenge will only result in damaging all of your relationships. It is important to tell trusted people the truth about how you are feeling, but it is equally important to make sure you ask how your friends and family are doing in their own lives. Although some individuals in the middle of a divorce refuse to receive any attention – becoming cut off from others and withdrawing into silence, the uncomfortable fact is that some divorcing spouses monopolize every conversation with anyone who will listen. They speak furiously and incessantly about their betrayal, rage, and wrath. At a certain point, even the most supportive friends become alienated by the lack of balance or reciprocity. Make an effort to keep your relationships as balanced as possible.

4. Find a community of support – online support groups, churches, clubs, or organizations.

The internet offers a wide variety of support options. You can interact with other people who are going through similar situations without ever having to leave the comfort of your desk chair. You can find meet-up websites which arrange for group members to meet face to face and discuss common issues. You can join a church, become more involved in social clubs, or connect with organizations which aim to educate people going through situations such as yours. Reaching out will help you gather support and find connectedness during a difficult time.

5. Give – Volunteer.

If you find it hard to move beyond your current situation, sometimes it helps to step outside of yourself and help someone else. Look for a non-profit organization whose mission statement matches your own values and start helping. There are many ways to contribute – you can give money, time, energy, or help with networking and facilitating the organization’s mission more broadly. Even the tiniest contribution can reap great rewards.

6. Rest.

Divorce can be exhausting. You are likely to feel sad, hurt, worried, and angry. In order to manage those emotions, you will need to make an effort to get plenty of sleep. If you find ways to relax and recharge, you will do a better job of handling difficulties as they arise.

7. Pay attention to your nutrition.

I have watched clients as they work through the divorce process often enough to know exactly what a divorce looks like on a 150 pound person. It looks like something closer to 110 pounds. Often, divorcing spouses lose anywhere from 5 – 50 pounds due to stress, loss of appetite, and adjustment problems. Consider this: Your brain works best and your emotions are more centered when your body is well-fed. You will need a strong brain and a steady emotional center as you move through the divorce. Challenge yourself to eat healthy foods on a normal schedule.

8. Listen to your children — don’t make them listen to you rant.

Your children care about you, but they need to know that you hear them and care about them, especially during this turbulent period of time. Remember to listen carefully and help them process information at their own pace. Do not make the mistake of turning your child’s sweet listening ear into your own as-needed therapist.

9. Call a professional and make more than one appointment.

You might discover that you need more help and support than your friends and family can provide. If so, call a professional to help as you move through the divorce process. You can benefit from the skills of excellent counselors, psychologists, mediators, and divorce coaches. Ask for referrals and find someone who can assist you.

10. Be willing to collaborate and negotiate.

Just because the marriage did not work does not mean the divorce has to be contentious, ugly, and litigious. You can endeavor to create a more collaborative divorce by being willing to listen, negotiate, and be respectful.

If you follow these ten rules, you will be well on your way toward a more respectful divorce, more balanced relationships, and a healthier state of mind.

—Pamela Milam is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Certified Coach in Dallas, Texas. She currently is completing a book entitled, What Your Therapist Really Thinks About You. She has co-authored a workbook with Nathaniel Smith, LPC, entitled,Taming Your Temper: A Workbook for Individuals, Couples, and Groups. You can find Pamela at: http://www.dfwcounselor.com/index.html