Dealing with Divorce

Divorce can feel like a big bubble that only you are living in. It seems to occupy every space in your head and pops up all the time even when you are doing something quite unrelated. This is normal. The thing you need to do is put divorce in it’s rightful place as only one of the things you are coping with today.

How Can I Accept This Reality

The reality of the situation is that you are in a divorce, your life is going to change and things will not be as they once were. Accept this now.

Dealing with what you are going through is not easy but does not have to be debilitating either. Acknowledging that things are stressing out and that you are just hanging in is the first step to regaining yourself possession and getting the tools that will help you get through your divorce proceeding.

Below are a number of helpful topics to help you cope with your divorce. If you need help with your emotions first click here.

I Can’t Plan – Nobody Seems To Know How Long This Takes

We live in an age where we are constantly making plans and being told to set goals. While you are going through the divorce process time is out of your control. There are couples that sit down together and nut out the agreement in a few hours, have it drawn up and get on with living however they are the exception rather than the rule.

Usually one person has thought long and hard about leaving the relationship and the other person is not ready. The person who is left often needs time to adjust and come to terms with the divorce, how much time depends on the person. During this adjustment time the person left might find it impossible to make decisions and commitments.

The legal side of divorce including child custody can take a while, many years in some cases, and this is totally out of your control as well. How long a lawyer takes to draft a letter get it to the other lawyer, have it seen by your spouse, discussion with their lawyer, return letter needs to be drafted and sent. And then you may find you have actually gone two steps backward as your spouse was having an emotional day and reacted badly to your original letter.

If courts, mediators, child experts, coaches or the myriad of other professionals in the divorce area are involved then you will have to wait until appointments are available. This all holds up your particular timeframe.

The only thing to do is give in to the fact that you do not know how long this will take. Concentrate on the parts of your life that you do have control over, such as, your daily routine, your health and exercise regime, your ultimate goals and how you will achieve them.

You cannot control your ex – even if they need it

So often clients say to me ‘she/he has to……..’ and my reply is always the same. ‘If you couldn’t control them in the marriage, what makes you think you can tell them what to do out of it?’

Your spouse no longer has to consider your feelings or attitudes, it would be nice if they did but you are no longer living together or sharing a life. They will be thinking about what is best for them and the children, if there are any, that is their new responsibility and so it should be. This does not mean there can’t be good communication and good feeling toward each other.

Do not tell your ex they have to do something, ask as you would a friend or colleague if they would consider…… You need to speak in a different way to your spouse and you may find that over time the old habits change into new respectful ones where communication is pleasant and outcomes are mutually beneficial. Further reading.

Why Is Everyone Telling What To Do?

Be very careful who you take advice from and always remember this is your divorce so it is your responsibility to make the right decisions for yourself, your children and your spouse. You will get advice from everyone you discuss your situation with, flowered with descriptions of other people’s divorces and how they got this or that. Unless these people are your appointed solicitor or your appointed accountant take what they say, politely thank them and if you think their piece of information is worth anything ask an expert if it can possibly apply to your case.

I Now Know Who My Real Friends Are

It is not wise to talk with everyone about your divorce; it is a private matter between you and your spouse. Choose a friend or two who will be there for you and won’t mind being lent on and leave everyone else out. Just because you choose a couple friends to talk about things with remember they are not likely to be divorce experts and their opinion is only that, an opinion from their own experiences or knowledge.

Ask the friends you have asked to support you to listen to you without judgment. What you need at this time is a sounding board. You need to talk about things, literally expel them from your body, and if necessary over and over again. What you don’t need is advice.

Your friends may be having a hard time with the fact you are going to get a divorce. They may be feeling disappointed that their own life will be impacted by this. Again, you do not want anything more than someone to listen to you. It will not help you if your friend joins in with bitter comments about your spouse or how life is going to change.

Relationships with friends can change during the divorce process. Couples who you hung out with may no longer invite you to dinner parties; you may get excluded from other activities as well. If this happens it can be devastating and make you feel worse. But what you have to remember is that it is not you it is your friends that cannot cope with the change in circumstance. They may only feel comfortable amongst other couples, they may feel they were your spouse’s friend first and would feel disloyal. You cannot know why people behave as they do so forget, understand that it is their issue and move on.

I Wish My Family Would Shut Up

Family, that is parents and siblings, can be a real headache when you are getting a divorce. They may have your best interests at heart but come from a life time of telling you what to do and how to do it. Unless you have a very equal open and honest relationship with your family it is best to give them the basics and not go into detail or use them to listen without comment.

If I Don’t Find Someway To Calm Down, I’m Going To Implode

Yes you are under a huge amount of stress.

There are five areas of stress management to look at here.

1. Accept the Stress – this is one that just needs to be acknowledged. You are under a huge amount of stress, as is your spouse, and it will not end until all the legal documentation is in place, you have both moved on and started new happy lives.

Do not try to control an uncontrollable situation, you will just find yourself getting more stressed when things do not go to your time table. Look for the good in the process, that is, if the process is carried out effectively then both you and your spouse can start new lives and both have a chance at happiness. This is the goal.

2. Adapt to the Stress – the first thing here is to put your stress situation into perspective. You are in a process that has to be gone through before it ends, you may not have chosen this road however you are on it and the goal is to reach the end. Think about the process in a different way to reduce stress. Be grateful that there is a process for leaving a marriage and that you are able to access it. This may be difficult at first.

See things on a grander scale, is it really worth getting upset over every letter and communication. Will that make anything happen faster or bring about a better outcome? Will you remember this stress in a year; will it make any difference the way you will be living? Concentrate on achieving the end result not on the tiny details.

3. Modify the Stress – try to modify your stress levels by giving where it is not so important to you. If you both are going to be stubborn then any detail of the divorce agreement will be a hard battle. Compromise where you can to modify your stress and get things dealt with faster. Leave your emotions out of decision making and use all your negotiation skills to achieve the fastest outcome.

IMPORTANT – be assertive if you need to be. If in your relationship you were always the ‘yes’ man/woman, stop now and put forward your wants and needs. This will empower you and make you feel a whole lot better. If you are new to asserting yourself remember to always be polite, talk to others as you would to someone you deeply respect. You are no longer in a marriage so speak to your spouse as you would a colleague; this is terribly helpful, for getting rid of old bad habits of communication between you both.

4. Avoid Extra Stress – you really do not need extra stress when going through a divorce yet people seem to add stress instead of reducing it. Say no to extra work or activities you do not really want to do. Saying no is difficult and takes practice, yet once mastered it will be a very good friend.

Reduce your stress by making a list of everything that is bothering you, from repotting plants to clearing cupboards to work obligations to filling in legal documents. Once you have your list start with the five minute tasks and get to work. You will find you feel a whole lot better for having a list and then ticking things off it. Make your list a constant companion.

Take control of your environment by refusing to watch television that you don’t like, talking about topics that upset you, seeing people who stress you, or doing activities that stress you.

5. Do things that make you Happy – this is an obvious one, and the one thing that stressed people tend not to do. I am quite sure that there are activities that you can partake in that will give you pleasure. Do one every day. It could be an early walk to invigorate and get the endorphins rocking. It could be giving yourself an hour of meditation a day or dancing around the house to your favorite music. The important thing is that you do this.

Another way to make yourself feel good is to give to others, there is always someone worse off than you and seeing things in perspective can do a lot for stress levels. There are many charities that would love a helping hand, try something out of your comfort zone like working in a soup chicken or feeding kids on the street.

These are the unhealthy ways to cope with your stress:
• Smoking
• Drinking excess alcohol
• Over and under eating
• Having emotional outbursts
• Taking pills or drugs, prescription or not
• Sleeping all the time
• Procrastinating on important issues
• Withdrawing from family and friends
• Giving up much enjoyed activities
• Watching too much television or surfing the net
• Keeping so busy as not to have time for the issues

Is It Possible To Keep Healthy During Divorce

Your health during your divorce process is more important than you will probably place emphasis on. You need to be in good physical condition to cope with the stress placed on you while going through divorce.
Your health including what you eat and how you exercise are things that you can control and so take them as a gift. Make plans and goals that you can reach and enjoy the fact that you can achieve certain things even though you are in limbo in other areas of your life.

You may be either putting on weight or losing it, which is normal in this situation, and not recommended if the gain or lose is too rapid. You may be under exercising or over exercising, again not recommended if it is overdone.

If your body falls to bits at this time then you really will be stressed to the max. So look after your health. Get a check up with a doctor, visit a nutritionist if necessary, and see a natural therapist for extras to support your stress reactions and hormones.

The Perfect Divorce Diet

You need to eat. You need to eat healthy food and you need to feed your children healthy food, if you have any, they are also going through stress and their bodies need looking after. Your body is a gift, look after it.
Your body needs all the nutrients from a healthy diet to cope with everyday living in our modern polluted world. A healthy well balanced diet is crucial to good living – there are certain common foods that do not act in the best interest of your body and even cause physical stress. These foods are the stimulants that are very pleasant at the time of eating and then cause chemical reactions that stress the body and in the long term harm the body.

Indulging In All My Favorites – Probably Not A Great Divorce Choice:

• Caffeine: found in coffee, some teas, chocolate, Coke, energy drinks. Caffeine causes adrenaline to be released which directly increases stress along with increased activity in your heart, muscles and nervous system. There is a link between caffeine and high blood pressure and high cholesterol levels. Giving up caffeine can be quite difficult if you drink it often, so cut down slowly until you can stop. Cutting caffeine out quickly can cause a withdrawal headache that nothing will fix except a shot of caffeine; this headache usually lasts three days.

• Alcohol: Taken in moderation alcohol has been shown that alcohol can have a beneficial effect on the cardiovascular system, there seems to be a new study every week about the effects of alcohol both good and bad.

One thing is certain and that is excess alcohol is bad for you. Alcohol is a major cause of stress as it stimulates the secretion of adrenaline which in turn causes insomnia, irritability and nervous tension. This is how the cycle begins and keeps going. Drink to calm the nerves, drink causes nerves. If you can possibly cut down to minimum alcohol, the better you will cope.

• Sugar: is the enemy of the adrenal glands (your stress hormones are produced here). Sugar gives a very quick high in blood sugar and then a huge dip that cause low blood sugar, eventually you will develop diabetes if you eat sugar regularly. The drop in blood sugar caused from eating sweet foods cause irritability, poor concentration and depression. None of what you need at this time.
Avoid sweets and sweetened foods, read labels and carry healthy snacks with you.

• Salt: salt in moderation is essential to a balanced diet. You can get your salt from natural foods like nori. It is when salt is taken in excess that it causes problems, such as increases in blood pressure, depletion of the adrenals and emotional upset. Try using salt substitutes that contain potassium instead of sodium and just don’t eat junk for with high salt like crisps, deli meats, etc

• Fat: you need fat in your diet but there are good and bad fats. The good fats are the only ones you should be interested in. Bad fats cause a myriad of destruction in your body including obesity and heart disease. Simply give up fried foods, take away foods and fatty foods of all kinds.

The easiest diet I can recommend when going through a stressful time is a balanced diet that covers all types of natural foods. Only buying foods that come straight from nature is a really easy rule to follow.
That would be a whole apple instead of dried apples, a grilled steak instead of process deli meat, lettuce, tomatoes and cucumber instead of processed salad in a tub with dressing and preservative. You get the idea, buy it fresh and natural.

How Can A Walk Make The Divorce Any Better

Exercise is essential to have a healthy body and when you find yourself in a stressful situation like divorce then exercise is essential. It is up to you to discover the exercise you like to partake in, it is essential that during this period you find a certain amount of time each day to do physical exercise. It is the release of endorphins through your body that will help with the stress you are under. Endorphins are the natural feel good hormones your body produces when exercising.

Exercise also makes you strong and a strong body can cope with a lot more than a weak body. Choose an exercise regime that you will be able to keep up. If you choose to walk in the morning then commit to getting up earlier than normal, have your alarm set, have your clothes ready and have no excuses. New habits take at least three weeks to be entrenched so only choose to start one new activity at a time and slowly build up.

Some of the best stress exercises are the ones you do alone like walking, running, rowing, etc. This is because you can use the time to plan, be grateful for what you have and turn around your negativity. When exercising always self talk in the positive. Say affirmations, plan holidays or special events, tell yourself you’re great and happy to be you. This along with the endorphins will rapidly reduce your stress levels.

What Is A Divorce Routine And Why Do I Need One?

Routine is really important at this time. To have objectives all day and know what you are doing is essential; it leaves little or no time for negativity.

When I say routine, I do not mean fill up your time with unworthy tasks that a designed to stop you thinking about your situation. I mean that you plan your day around everything your life involves. For instance, I walk at 6.45am every morning; I am home at 7.45am that is part of my routine.

Your routine should leave you time for fun and play, health, children, friends, work, household chores, exercise, nutrition, etc. Being organized by having a routine is a powerful way to be on top of things and in turn feel empowered.

All My Decisions Are Associated With Guilt
Guilt is a waste of time and should be left behind. If you have decided to leave your marriage then believe that your decision was the right one, own it and get on being a good person doing what you can to help everyone live a new and happy life.

It is usually the person who makes the first move to divorce that feels the guilt while the other feels rejected. The thing to remember is that two people are responsible for a relationship and making it work. If one of the couple is unhappy and has been for some time then there has been major breakdown in communication if these problems were not dealt with as a couple.

There is also the problem of being manipulated by your spouse using your feelings of guilt to get what they want. It is time to take a good hard look at yourself and ask yourself if guilt is a feeling you regularly feel. If the answer is yes, then why would you feel guilt and be willing take the blame?

If you have feelings of guilt about putting your children through a divorce, ask yourself if the marriage they were living in was an unhappy household with their parent role models being dysfunctional. A marriage with abuse, fighting, conflict or emotional distance is extremely unhealthy for children.