What A Bunch Of Lawyers Have Learnt About A Good Marriage

By Judith Bryant
What-A-Bunch-Of-Lawyers-Have-Learnt-About-A-Good-Marriage
At the law firm of NOELKE ENGLISH MAPLES ST. LEGER BLAIR, LLP, our job is to counsel our clients on how best to end their marriages, not to save them. By the time we become acquainted with our clients’ marital life, the dissolution of the marriage is a foregone conclusion. However, this season we have decided to put the collective experience of the lawyers at NEMSB to different use. With more than 60 years of family law experience between them, the lawyers at NEMSB have learned a thing or two about why marriages fail.

From the front lines of marital conflict and failure, here is a summary with our best advice for staying married.

1.Compromise.
“I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.” Source Unknown

Lea Noelke, senior partner and a family law attorney for over 25 years, reports that divorcing couples often contain at least one partner “who would rather be right than happy.” Sadly, this particular trait can sour nearly every decision a couple has to make: how to spend money, where to live, where to send the kids to school, where to vacation, etc. The possibilities for strife are endless if one party always has to have the final say.

Eventually, the resentment that can build over the years becomes too much, and the marriage is irretrievably broken. Marriage will always be a two-way street, so expect to yield occasionally. You may find that being happy is actually better than being right.

2. Have Sex.
“Husbands are like fires. They go out if unattended.” Zsa Zsa Gabor

Lack of physical intimacy in a marriage may be the most obvious sign that a marriage is over. Partner Keith Maples, family law attorney for almost 20 years, says that “sex in a marriage is like a canary in a coal mine. If the canary doesn’t come out alive, there are no survivors.” In other words, if you and your spouse are not having sex, your marriage will not survive. Physical intimacy goes hand in hand with emotional intimacy, the lack of one almost always signifying the lack of the other

3. Be Faithful.
“Divorce is the sacrament of adultery.” French Proverb

If you want to stay married, do not have an affair. As Benjamin Franklin once said, “Where there’s marriage without love, there will be love without marriage.” Partner Andi St. Leger reports a disturbing trend: that modern technology has made it surprisingly easy for affairs to develop. Emotional affairs often find a way to become physical affairs, so it is best not to start something that could endanger your marriage.

4. Choose Wisely.
“Don’t marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you think you can’t live without.” James C. Dobson

Audrey Blair, the newest partner at NEMSB, observes that most divorces occur under two scenarios: (1) when good people marry bad people; and (2) when two good people get married because they think it is time to get married, not because they have found the right person. In the first case, before getting married, advises Audrey, people should seriously ask themselves, “Why am I marrying this person?” If you find yourself in an abusive relationship, don’t get married, get help. Equally common, however, is the second category of marriages that end in divorce: two good people who marry because their friends are all getting married, they are not sure they will find someone better, and they conclude it must be time to get married. However well-intentioned they may have been, many of these marriages fail. Audrey recommends premarital counseling to avoid making this common mistake.

5. Communicate.
“The conception of two people living together for twenty-five years without having a cross word suggests a lack of spirit only to be admired in sheep.” Alan Patrick Herbert English journalist, writer, and Member of Parliament

A surprising number of couples who divorce have rarely fought, says Andi St. Leger. Often, one of them has quietly seethed for years and years, until finally demanding a divorce from an unsuspecting spouse. Arguing can be healthy, as long as you make up within a reasonable time. The alternative – holding in anger for years until someone finally explodes – is far more destructive.

6. Dance
“Dance with the one who brung you.” Darrell Royal, Texas Longhorns Head Coach

Lea Noelke and his wife, Holly, have been happily married for 30 years. He attributes their successful marriage, in part, to the fact that they dance a lot – with each other. “We have so much fun dancing together,” he says. “We make time to be together doing something we both enjoy.” A big mistake couples make, according to Lea, is not taking the time to do fun things together.

By Judith Bryant, Associate, Noelke English Maples St. Leger Blair, LLP Email:jbryant@nems-law.com.