How Will it Work? – Collaborative Divorce Practice

How Will it Work? – Collaborative Divorce Practice You have agreed to Collaboration. You understand how Collaboration works. You are excited about beginning the process. You want to do everything you can to make Collaboration a success. What steps can you take to prepare for Collaboration and to ensure it’s continued success?

1. Meet with your Lawyer

• Your lawyer will review, in detail, the steps in Collaboration for you and how the Collaboration will be conducted.

• He/she will explain what the room will be like, where you will sit, how notes will be kept at the meeting, how long the meeting will last, how breaks will be handled etc.

• If you have questions about how the meeting will work, raise these with your lawyer now.

• REMEMBER: in this preparation meeting, you will not be discussing solutions with the lawyer – your lawyer will not have enough information to discuss solutions, and what is the point of discussing solutions if your ex is not there? – you cannot make an agreement in his/her absence!

• Review the Collaborative Agreement with your lawyer (in detail). In my jurisdiction, we have renamed it a few times; presently we call it the Collaborative Commitment Agreement (aptly named).

• Ask your lawyer about fees, how they are charged, whether or not there is a retainer (deposit) required and whether or not there is a Retainer Agreement or other fee arrangement agreement to be signed.

• Have your lawyer explain to you the different Collaborative team members that you may need, what their roles and functions are and whether or not you will need any of these professionals on your team (i.e. Divorce Coach, Child Specialist, Financial Specialist).

2. Meet with your Divorce Coach

• If you have a Divorce Coach, meet with them before the first Collaborative meeting. Find out how the Divorce Coach will help you and what his/her role is.

• Advise the Divorce Coach of all of your meeting dates.

• Decide how often you want to meet with your Coach and whether or not you would like the Divorce Coach present at the 4 way meetings.

• Tell the Divorce Coach about any challenges you and your spouse face when communicating – how do each of you “push the buttons” of your spouse? – and how can that be avoided?

• What strategies can the Coach give you to help you be more effective in the meeting – for example, if you are overly emotional, how can you overcome that?

3. Brainstorm your Goals

• One of the first tasks we do at a Collaborative meeting is to list the goals of the clients. When thinking about goals, it is important to avoid positions.

• One way of avoiding positions is to “peel the onion”. For example, if you think it is your goal to get “custody” – what is that really about? Is it that you want to spend as much time as possible with the children? – then that is a goal. Is it that you want to provide moral guidance to the children? — then that too, is a goal – when you peel the onion about a position, you are likely to find several goals underneath!

• If your goal sounds more like a solution or an answer, then it is a position and is not a goal – try to “peel the onion”; this may be a different way of thinking for you but it works.

• You will have goals about four possible areas – parenting, assets and debts, money and future relationships with your ex (or communication type goals)

• Make sure to remember your “non-legal” type of goals; they are just as important as the ones that relate to legal issues – for example, a goal might be for you and your spouse to be able to be present together, in an amicable way, at future important family functions – or — you might have a goal of reaching closure.

• Write your goals down – it is not geeky to come to a meeting with a notepad in hand and a list of your goals. In fact, it will help move you use the time in the meeting more efficiently.

4. List Questions you want answered in Collaboration

• What is keeping you awake at night? List those questions and bring them to the first meeting (again, write them down in advance)

• Again, you may have questions in four main categories – parenting, assets and debts, money and future relationships with your ex or future communication.

• You may also have housekeeping type of questions – like, when do we switch the insurance over? Or how will we handle the joint bank account?

• Don’t be afraid to be unique; even if it is bothering just you, it is a problem to be solved in Collaboration.

• No question is a dumb question!

• Your lawyer should have given you a list of documents to start gathering (if not, ask your lawyer for one)

• If you and your spouse are communicating well enough, divide the list between the two of you, or at least agree on who will obtain and bring which information (if you aren’t, bring as much information as you have in your possession – if that means that you both bring the some of the same information, then so be it)

• There is no need to make extra copies of the information – if copies are desired by anyone, copies will be made at the meeting.

6. Before Each Meeting

• Read over the Minutes from the last meeting – are there any errors or omissions? – if so, make a note and raise it at the next meeting.

• Look at the “To-Do’s” or “Homework” items from the meeting; make sure you have done your homework.

• List any new questions or concerns you may have so you do not forget to add them to the Agenda.

• Think about the last meeting; did it go okay or were there things that did not work for you? – if so, provide feedback to your lawyer or coach in whatever method of communication works best (some professionals prefer emails; some prefer phone calls)

• Read over and remind yourself about the goals you set out at the first meeting – have any of your goals changed? Do you have any new goals that you would like to record?

• Read the Collaborative Commitment Agreement before each meeting (this may sound like overkill, but it will remind you of what you are doing and how you promised to do it, which can be helpful when meetings get off track)

• Scan all of your Minutes for agreements that have been made. Have they been completed or followed through on? Do any of the agreements need to be updated or changed?

• Review all of your Minutes to determine if you think any of the information needs to be updated or changed.

Marilyn Herrmann is a Mediator and Collaborative Lawyer who is a partner at Niblock and Company LLP in Medicine Hat, Alberta. She has a self-declared bias against family law matters being resolved in the Court system, and believes that conflict does irreparable harm to families. Marilyn is interested in any method that can help divorcing parents re-structure their families in a respectful, amicable way. Feel free to share your comments and ideas with Marilyn at mherrmann@niblock.ca